sorrow

Having gone through intense sorrow and grief of relationships I know I am extremely sensitive to those starting on that path. Women friends who are beginning their journey of unraveling their marriage for various reasons make me want to envelope them in my arms and heart to lessen the pain they are about to encounter. I can feel the grief coating every word and the fear of this choice and I am overwhelmed with what they are about to have to go through.
At them same time I also know they are making a good choice for the situation and will at some point be on the other side of this feeling better and stronger.
We all travel our own paths and even with friends love and support, we still walk this alone and decide how to heal ourselves.
Sorrow and grief are part of life but so is joy and happiness and new beginnings. All must be experienced to live a full life.

Crossroads of life. Not always an easy place to be.

she is HOT!

Fuck yeah!!!!

when one doesnt know what one wants

it can seem scary. We always think we know what we want and yet often when we get it the thrill doesnt last long, the happiness we thought we would have isnt there and really our life doesnt change. The prospects of something new or changed is far more exciting than the actual thing. Does this mean we give up on hopes and dreams and wants and desires? Do we just stop wanting?
Its beyond that in my most goddessy opinion-- its balance and contentment for the now.
I believe if we look to our own selves for happiness and joy--then everything else is supplemental. The outside things dont become the measurement of our lives and just how happy we are--they simply are the things we have but could do with out and our inward happiness would not change( tho our physical comfort might)
I think the thing that gives me the most pleasure are relationships with others and the value i place on people around me. I tired of material things and the upkeep or the buying of stuff or the need for more things...but i dont tire of friends and emotions shared and being a small part of another persons story.
So its not that I dont know what I want but I know i cant do better than anything the Universe Divine is going to present me with..and i trust that She knows far better than me what i need and want--now and in the future. Now given that i believe the Divine is simply a spiritual manifestation of me anyway... i DO know what i need and want on that level and I do give myself the things i most need/want/desire/hope for.
Now of course im not saying we all should build a tepee and live without some comforts THOUGH i dont think its a bad thing to do occasionally--like going to another country and being part of the solutions to poverty and hunger and disease and seeing how others live. It certainly puts a earthy perspective on our own waste and standard of living.

And this is a good ramble i know..but im in a kind of ramblin mood.

parallel universe

exists in my house. things disappear and then reappear in the oddest of places. I will put something in a place and find it in another room where it could not have been taken.
So im thinking either I am crazy OR there are other people who come in and out of my universe and mess with me. Or maybe I go in and out of theirs and find their stuff which i think is my stuff but isnt. We may just go back forth in some random order and not really know it--blaming others for missing objects or unusual things happening.

or is it aliens??

It gets better!!!!

It Gets Better project for LGBT youth... Great Idea!!!

What if it is JUST what it is...

life that is. We so badly want a reason for life, a reason we suffer and a reason we die. What if it is only those things. Our life. Our suffering. Our joys. Our death.
Why do we get something more than that? And when we believe we should get more for "suffering" or being "good" do we negate our life here by not living it with intent and purpose? Do we run from experiences cause they might send us to hell or cause us to sin when in reality it is going to advance our own enlightenment and our own spiritual growth?

What if is what it is and not what it is not.

A Rumi poem

My heart is so small
it's almost invisible.
How can You place
such big sorrows in it?

"Look," He answered,
"your eyes are even smaller,
yet they behold the world."

~ Rumi ~


I love the book Women who run with wolves...its about archetypes of women using stories or myths. I have been stuck on The Skeleton Woman for a few years as every time i read it I have a new layer of understanding. Sometimes it brings up sorrows and pain to remember i did not understand the Life/Death/Life cycle of relationships and think "would it have made a difference?" and yet I know I am where i am suppose to be.
One sentence that struck out at me AGAIN was Not to fear our hearts being broken but trust they will heal. Cause broken hearts will happen unless we simply dont love. And Love IS the only thing that matters in this world...The ONLY thing. But being open and loving can being pain...pain brings growth and enlightenment and one loves more....more pain/more enlightenment/more love.

Sometimes that realization can be overwhelming.

again...October

Its awesome!!!
Witches Ball, Halloween Party, Burlesque show, New year ritual and bonfire, Day of the Dead... I LOVE these celebrations for Oct and Early Nov...
then im ready to hibernate for winter.... I have my firewood stacked, and quilts on the couch and hot teas in the cupboard...
Come on Winter..im just awaitin for those cold days and freezing nights.

I will miss cleo sleeping with me to keep me warm. She was my main queen dog... 120# of pure love and happiness to be living with us. She died unexpectedly of heart failure at 7 years old--neo mastiffs and most big dogs dont live exceptionally long times.
We rescued her from Ky and as soon as she got to my house she threw herself on my bed and declared whose "bitch" She was ( or I was maybe !!!)

I will miss you this winter cleo

epiphanies

when the universe speaks to me....i listen. In fact I record too!!
I spend a lot of time on the road so its also my thinking time, my thoughts meandering all over the place. I have some pretty cool ideas and solve many issues this way.
Today it was like 3 enlightenments and I had to turn my phones voice recorder so i could say the words.. I needed to say them and then hear them.
Its interesting how I can hear someone say something that cause me to pause a moment and reflect what they are saying..and it stays with me. And for days I mull it over..mostly trying to see how i really feel about it or believe about it. Maybe it is something I have even considered and now will.

I firmly believe we are spiritual beings having this human experience we designed or desired or requested--heck there may even be "wild cards" that one signs up for and its ALL a big surprise!!! So when i am hit with clarification of my experiences--I listen!!!

Seeing a bigger picture

It is easy and quite normal to have tunnel vision in life. We see events or actions and only put them in the context of the NOW and react/respond accordingly. It takes a lot of thought, patience and deep breathing to see or at least understand there is so much more to what is going on. Far more is going on that we dont see than what we see.
I am not against boundaries for those times where it is called for such as those lashing out or sucking energy or manipulating but even those things have a bigger context they evolved from. People lash out because they are scared, hurt or in pain and sometimes dont even know it.
I remember a movie once where scene just made me emotionally aware of the consequences of how we treat others--2 woman not the best of friends and at the opposite end of social lives. One is very snooty and has the "perfect married life" and the other is single and sleeps around a lot (due to some serious pain) but when the first gal finds out her husband is having an affair and lashes out at the 2nd gal in sorrow and pain, the 2nd gal looks at her and comes up and just hugs her and lets her get beyond the accusation stage and helps her feel the pain by being in her space and getting beyond the blame.
So often a hug is what makes a difference..not words and not books and not seminars but simply a hug from someone with no judgements.
Always there is a bigger picture in life...

the important stuff

re: the end of the year meanderings.....

Remembering that of all things-relationships are the most vital and most sustaining ad the only experience we could possibly take with us to the next life/existence if there is one. The people in our life teach us so much and allow us to acknowledge the importance of others in our own journey.
Recently i did a favor for a friend-- covered for her so she could go to a long awaited event which meant i would miss it. Little did i know until later when she wrote to thank me how important and vital this was for her. How emotionally needful this was for her when in reality it was something i could go to or not.
To know I helped another person on their path makes me glad i paid attention to what was really important in life--not an event, not going to a seminar but instead loving another person.

Planning my Samhain costume party--Halloween- has been a source of fun and delight!! Satan is my Pimp is the theme and i cant wait to put on my lighted Devil horns and dance about!!!

The end of the year

Oct is the last day of the month in Celtic beliefs...it is time to wind down and get ready for winter. It is also time to remove from ones life old stuff, things not needed, emotions being held onto, illusions we insist on believing and anything that no longer serves us. Time to remove them and begin thinking of the new year/new life ahead.
Having a ritual bonfire on Oct 31 and writing down everything one wants to get rid of is powerful and can bring cleansing to our spirits. Fall is the end of harvest time and getting ready for the sleep of winter..the much needed resting and maybe even thinking of new things for spring.
i feel so many of my "stuffs" are ready to be thrown out. Things I had hoped for this year, goals i had set which got way laid or thrown a curve. I do feel its time to be done with wanting something and just rest for a few months and maybe another idea will germinate and spring up to surprise me.
Putting away these things can be hard and we often fight against it cause they are like comfort blankets..they wrap us up in warmth and cpziness and we dont want to be without them. Even when they are working we keep dreams and hopes alive--even when its obvious we have outgrown them or just need to put them aside for awhile.
Oct it s good month to think about resting things we want.. give ourselves a break and just Be for while. Winter is a sleeping/resting/transformation time so that in spring we can come out new and invigorated and ready for action!!!

life is not static

I watched a movie about suicide and depression. The story was about a man who attempted suicide and failed. His friends and family came around and the story began to unfold on how he got to this event in his life.
In the end it was about facing and voicing our fears and hurts AND loving that child in us that at times was hurt or afraid or damaged. Realizing that as long as we run from our past and pain we continue to hurt ourselves and others trying to keep that inner child feeling safe.
I think about the many people who have this inner child that is so damaged that pain is the only life it knows. How the cycle continues and repeats and spirals out of control all through ones life. We run from that hurt child inside of us and wonder why life isnt working out or people abandon us or betray us or we feel overwhelmed with life.

I think standing and voicing our pain..saying the things that hurt us as a child is the first step to healing that inner child. Helping that inner child stand up and be strong and know what was done was wrong.
Each of us needs to look at our inner child and hug that part of us. Accept that part of us and see what positive things we can do with the pain.

Mindful

Mindful

Every day
I see or hear
something
that more or less

kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle

in the haystack
of light.
It was what I was born for -
to look, to listen,

to lose myself
inside this soft world -
to instruct myself
over and over

in joy,
and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant -
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab,

the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help

but grow wise
with such teachings
as these -
the untrimmable light

of the world,
the ocean's shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

~ Mary Oliver ~

The Road

The Road

Here is the road: the light
comes and goes then returns again.
Be gentle with your fellow travelers
as they move through the world of stone and stars
whirling with you yet every one alone.
The road waits.
Do not ask questions but when it invites you
to dance at daybreak, say yes.
Each step is the journey; a single note the song.

~ Arlene Gay Levine ~

a turn in the path

I love making plans... short term and long term. I like searching for the educational experience that will expand my knowledge and help me attain my goals of health care for women. But i also have learned to sit back and wait when things change..when my plan suddenly goes awry and im left wondering what the effin fuck just happened?
but without fail if i breathe deeply and WAIT...............wait........W.a.i.t....... and wait more...it becomes apparent that my path is changing and as chaotic or painful as it is, it IS working out best for me.
Things have drastically changed in the educational arena for me..most unexpectedly and quite dramatically but I found an even better way to finish this part up.
Now i could gnash and groan and pitch fits and be ugly but really? now that i see what is happening shouldnt I be happy and celebrating that I/the Universe/The Divine stepped in and guided me to the "now it is what it is and no longer that what was"

I like that.

Juggling

Sometimes I feel like I am juggling many balls at once-keeping them all up and rotated and at the same speed. Other days I feel like I just juggle one or two and then set them down and pick up others then put those down to pick up different ones. Some days I let as many balls as i can drop and stay down.
But life it like that I think-- sometimes days are just full tilt boogie rock and roll til the sun goes down and I fall on my couch and just Breath for the first time that day. Some days I walk around with nothing to do and am totally bored.

This last week as been one of on the go in 4 different states and driving like a mad woman sometimes to be where I needed to be to juggle whatever ball was up at the time.
Of course when I am tired meandering thoughts come to mind and I can over ponder them.
Like:

Why are people just so unkind? to show such disrespect to another just seems uncalled for. It is so amazing how kindness is seen as weakness or stupidness when in fact it takes a strong person to simply walk away and not be unkind.

or

Why judge people before you even meet them or even hear their voice? I can imagine a lot of people read this and think I am "pugnacious" ( i find the word amusing and was recently used by someone who thought he knew me when he didnt know fuckin squat". Why is it when someone --in particular women--have strong opinions and are passionate about them and share them they are called supposed names like the P word. I think its a reflection of the caller of such P word and his own density and inability to be kind.

or

Seriously I am fuckin tired of the religious morons thinking they are in charge of the country and in charge of the moral compass for everyone. GOD fuckin damn..leave US alone...just fuck with your own idiotic kind!!!!

or

have you ever heard music so perfect and so beautiful it was like a voice and emotion and memory all at once?

or

Life is having a conversation with me...Am I listening???


or

What does it cost a person to call another and just say..THank you for your kindness and stopping by? Is it cowardice or is it just unkindness???


Well,,,those are some of my meandering thoughts for the day.

being 50

Kids and I have conversations about everything....and the 19 yo daughter of my womb asks me about getting older and is it scary.
I said without hesitation..i love being 50 and I am gonna enjoy this 5th decade. I find myself more at ease with my foibles or quirks and do not defend them to anyone. I dont apologize if my passions and desires makes people uncomfortable with me. I certainly dont sugar coat what i think is right or wrong FOR me--not that i could ever do that for anyone else and dont listen when they do. I find comfort if i am single the rest of my life cause I have had a love of my life for 25 years and even when it was time to part ways I appreciate the love, the humor, the friendship and the time we did have. It is what has made me who I am--through much sorrow and joy and grief and fun--it is still the reason I am.
I want to make a difference to others..not change the world but to be strong for those who cannot be and be a voice for those who have none.... and being 50 makes it easier for me to do that then when i was 25 or 30 and didnt even know my own voice.
I have loved "growing up" and seeing what I want to do..not that i know now but the journey to finding out has been rewarding and amazing and comforting to my soul.

So yes..its tough getting to 50..but oh my goddess..well worth it!!!!

The boat

The Boat

Maybe the eyes of a dragon or goddess
glare from its prow.

More likely it leaks, loses an oar,
and reeks of rainbows awash on a sheen
of gutted salmon and gasoline.

If it’s a liner, we lash ourselves
to whatever will float or sell.

No matter which. We choose. We’re aboard,
icebergs or no, as we plow
through the songs of the siren stars—

one boat, black water, dark whispering below.

~ Paul Fisher ~

Other blog

I hope everyone is following me on my Adventurous trip to the Philippines to train on International Health Care for Women and Children. The link is Midwife Trip I am posting a lot of pictures and stories!!

This is for you..and you know who you are.

"There is a reason for everything"

I am finding myself more and more irritated when i hear someone make this statement in response to tragedy. From a lost puppy to wrecked car to death of a child to dinner burning to hurricane devastating a country. I wonder if people are so removed from others pain and the mindset of "THANKING god" it did not happen to them, that they trivializa their pain to avoid actually questioning their own belief system.
I dont believe the accidental death of a young child has a reason-- who will learn from this and is THEIR learning worth the death of a child and the pain of the family? Is it really a belief that GOD causes this accident to help someone else with a lesson in life? really??? i find it interesting those that say it have tended to not have the same tragedy. I think its said without really thinking of how the person in pain will feel when its said.
And a hurricane that rips through communities with such devastation that it will take years to rebuild REALLY part of a reason? Gods judgment? anger? sin? WTF?
Are women who are raped and tortured going through this for a reason? What? to make them better people? to make them not put themselves as a target? REALLY? Are we so quick to diminish a persons pain by trying to help them see it as a lesson from God?
A child who develops a terminal illness --is there a reason?

Cant we say many horrible things happen and there simply isnt a reason? There is no god orchestrating horrible things in order to bring someone to Him or to a new life or to repentance and if there is--He is a tyrant and a evil bastard. As a believer in Mother Earth/Goddess I know She would not hurt people to prove Her love for them or to make them prove their love for Her. The divine is expressed through perfect love and thus it is not evil or hurtful.

Horrible things happen and all we can do is deal with the pain and the sorrow, figure out what to do next and then start healing. We can LEARN from tragedies but tragedies dont occur for our own lessons--it is simply part of life.
I am becoming closer and closer to telling someone to shut the fuck up the next time the pithy, dismissive and diminishing excuse is given rather than I am listening to you and here for you.
What i believe I can learn from tragedies is just being there for hurting people. Just holding a hand, wiping a tear or letting them feel safe in expressing all the emotions they have--and letting them know ALL they feel is normal. As my disaster class said " normal reactions to abnormal events"

I find it interesting

to hear of all the fear of a religious group that Americans express. They fear their threats of taking us over or the violence that has happened--they are incensed with anger over the audacity they come to OUR own soil to wage war.

Never mind the history of christianity..the waging of war on others lands, the crossing the oceans to "unknown" places and conquering all the "savages" there ALL in the name of GOD. Never mind the murder, terror, torture and contempt for everyone everywhere throughout most of the history of christianity.

How is this different? How can we be angry at what another country is doing when christianity itself is guilty of the very same thing? Terrorizing others who differ from them.
To deny that christinaity is a violent religion is to simply show ignorance and an assumed entitlement that since we are bringing heathens to Jesus then We have it every right to terrorize others, to humiliate others, to kill and maim and pass laws to prevent them full human rights.

I am tired if the unkindness of this religious group. And i am quite sure GOD is tired of them using his name to judge and criticize and hurt and deny love to others around us. I know I am tired of it and refuse any longer to abide by it quietly.

Hope

Hope

Old spirit, in and beyond me,
keep and extend me. Amid strangers,
friends, great trees and big seas breaking,
let love move me. Let me hear the whole music,
see clear, reach deep. Open me to find due words,
that I may shape them to ploughshares of my own making.
After such luck, however late, give me to give to
the oldest dance.... Then to good sleep,
and - if it happens - glad waking.

~ Philip Booth ~

that moment

I can think back to several moments where life changes in seconds in a single event. One minute I think life is going one way and then something happens or someone says something and life changes. Not the small change but a dramatic, life altering, gut wrenching change that feels like a dream. Its on slow mode for a brief moment like all time stops and seems unreal.

I think I started thinking about this watching a show where the husband and wife are sitting and having a nice dinner and just having fun and for some reason he says something that you can tell by the wife's face that her life just shifted drastically. For a brief agonizing moment life and beliefs and hopes and dreams all ceased to make sense anymore. When another person changes the rules of the game without you consenting one can just feel the gut wrenching realization that it can never be put back together and life. has. changed.forever.

These moments are not always bad in the long run--often they are the beginning of better understanding, clearer vision and focus and the sign it is time to make changes but nonetheless they still hurt to the very core.
I remember being told of my spouse having affairs and even though it was years after the divorce it was an AHAH!!! moment of clarity which explained events leading up to the divorce which NOW made sense whereas before it was a jumbled up puzzle piece of stuff. Then the sorrow hit and i realized how life had changed and how drastically. As everyone experience tragedy and sorrow, the question is what is the next step? That is what defines our character and our future.
Words are powerful and in a syllable or two ones life can change forever.

Dreams?

State what is impossible then decide what it will take to make it possible.

As i ponder those words, I think about how many times this has happened. I have an idea or want to do something but it seems impossible. But I really want to do XXXX. So i begin to figure out how to make it possible and then it is.
The process of figuring out a seemingly impossible situation or hearts desire is what unravels its solution. And the unraveling is actually the journey that creates us..not so much the final destination but the journey.
The thinking, the trouble shooting, the planning, the dreaming, the focusing and the envisioning it as real IS the life part.

As a spiritual being making the most of this human experience, I can make changes in my life just by changing my beliefs about the outcomes of my dreams and instead making them happen.

Come with me on that journey and lets see what reality we can create!!!

So fun!!!

more thoughts..

A good friend on her blog writes "I want to be known, identified, recognized, not by what I resist or oppose but by what I love."
I have been mulling this over and how it applies to life and in particularly my life.
So many things I am against or comment about that i oppose or attitudes I fight against when it comes to women are who people think I am. And I am those things. But do people also see me for the things i love?
Thunderstorms. Pregnant Women.A good book on Vampires. Babies.Godiva chocolates. Breastfeeding. Cup of herbal tea on a cold winters night with a roaring fire and a old quilt. Sleeping in on a cold morning. A full Moon and its basking rays or a Dark moon and its rejuvenating powers. Crying at a movie of emotional intensity. Playing with my new toy the IPAD. (ROFL).

Thats who I am more than the things I oppose. Who else knows this but me? Very few.

I call up my names...

I call up my names: Woman who had been born in the arms of a woman and welcomed home. I shout truth-teller, silence-breaker, life-embracer,death-no-longer-fearing, woman reunited with her child self. I sing woman who is daughter, sister,lover and mother to herself. I hum woman planter, gatherer, healer. I drum woman warrior, sire, women-who-stands-firmly-on-her-feet, woman who reaches inward to her centre and outward to the stars. i am woman who is child no longer, woman who is making herself sane, whole. --Andrea Canaan


I found this piece of paper with this strong woman chant on it..i dont know where it came from or when i saved it..but it found me and i am saying it again.

May Day

My annual fun May Day/Midwife Day/Cinco De Mayo is the first saturday of may.
Lots of reveling, dancing,cooking, hedonistic pursuits and mayhem of all kinds will be allowed and encouraged!!!
So bring food and drink and celebration!!!!

becoming pagan

is the smartest thing I have ever done. To walk away from a belief that god will allow tragic things to happen to small children to prove a point about his neverending, all incompassing, ever merciful love and power is the best thing I ever did.
To not believe that there is such a god that could try and excuse his own lack of mercy except when it suits him is freedom.
Religion stinks. It is insulting to human dignity and robs us of loving each other with compassion and understanding.

yes..rapture come..get the freakin morons OUT and let us build a world without them!!!!!!

Oppression

Religious Oppression of Women and the syndrome of the male messiah.
Interesting article on white men saving those they oppress and help liberate those they have enslaved.

More comments later as i digest this...

Are you listening?

Recently I listened to a audio and loved the focus:
Life is having a conversation with you--are you listening? AND Instead of asking Why life is doing this TO you ask why is life doing this for you?
Just keeping those 2 thoughts in ones mind as life unfurls will give a totally unique and positive perspective on life and stuff that happens.
Some of the worst things were actually the best things to happen to me--giving me space and motivation to recreate my life and my focus and my passions. To believe all is positive is a change from thinking we are victims of circumstance.

change is inevitable and suckie and painful but change tells us something is wrong and change is gonna happen with us kicking and screaming OR going along with the flow of life.

Are you listening to YOUR life?

Music and Energy

Music is amazing. It can touch the deepest part of our souls and make us cry or feel rage or know sorrow or happiness. Much stirs inside us emotions we may be hiding or denying and it is music that can speak of love so richly. I have been listening to music i played during the hardest time of my life--my loneliness before the divorce and after. The pain that was so deep I though I would drowned in it was expressed so many times with music of love lost, betrayal and the wound always being there.
I didnt drown myself in alcohol or drugs or crazy stuff but I did desperately seek music to understand my own emotions, to make sense of what was going on around me and to help begin the healing process. I listened over and over to powerful, rich, deeply moving music.
Sometimes even now I can listen to those songs again and feel the pain and sorrow and remember all that. I begin to think of how since all is energy and all is connected, that music is energy and thus we are connected to it which is why it moves us so much. I also think music is an entity that is there to create emotions and clarity and passions. Just as angels, spiritual guides or intuition or coincidences guide us in our life so does music--it is a created entity that consoles us, that lifts us up and holds us close when we cannot fathom another day on this earth. If music IS an entity then it is from the Divine and so music is the Divine here on this earth just as we are.
The Divine has many physical manifestations of love- cool water, life giving trees, colorful flowers, dancing clouds, brilliant stars and music. All create within us emotions and help us heal from devastation.
So the next time you hear music that speaks deeply to you, realize it is from the Divine and is one of the answers you are searching for.

Time and Time again

As we go through life we find it does not turn out nor go they way we think it should. But often those twists of fate and strange turns in the road bring us the most enlightened time of life. It is what puts us on the "right" path and exposes us to who we really are. We can make so many choices but ultimately we all need to know who we are as humans.
Doing what is right for ourselves; Hurting noone; accepting responsibility for all our choices even the shit ones and making it up to those we do hurt out of ignorance.
Life is suppose to be up and down and surprising because none of us can really plan it all out. Instead of cursing those who cross your path and cause pain or sorrow we should thank them for bringing us emotions to feel and events to shape us and illumination of truth.
The older I get the less I know that which is truly solid--life is fluid and we swim along in it.

The Great Affair

The great affair, the love affair with life,
is to live as variously as possible,
to groom one's curiosity like a high-spirited thoroughbred,
climb aboard, and gallop over the thick, sun-struck hills every day.

Where there is no risk, the emotional terrain is flat and unyielding,
and, despite all its dimensions, valleys, pinnacles, and detours,
life will seem to have none of its magnificent geography, only a length.

It began in mystery, and it will end in mystery,
but what a savage and beautiful country lies in between.

~ Diane Ackerman ~

Getting There

Getting There

You take a final step and, look, suddenly
You're there. You've arrived
At the one place all your drudgery was aimed for:
This common ground
Where you stretch out, pressing your cheek to sandstone.

What did you want
To be? You'll remember soon. You feel like tinder
Under a burning glass,
A luminous point of change. The sky is pulsing
Against the cracked horizon,
Holding it firm till the arrival of stars
In time with your heartbeats.
Like wind etching rock, you've made a lasting impression
On the self you were
By having come all this way through all this welter
Under your own power,
Though your traces on a map would make an unpromising
Meandering lifeline.

What have you learned so far? You'll find out later,
Telling it haltingly
Like a dream, that lost traveler's dream
Under the last hill
Where through the night you'll take your time out of mind
To unburden yourself
Of elements along elementary paths
By the break of morning.

You've earned this worn-down, hard, incredible sight
Called Here and Now.
Now, what you make of it means everything,
Means starting over:
The life in your hands is neither here nor there
But getting there,
So you're standing again and breathing, beginning another
Journey without regret
Forever, being your own unpeaceable kingdom,
The end of endings.


~ David Wagoner ~
(In Broken Country)

thought for the day

"I choose to see you as you were intended to be not as you have become."

from my favorite movie Ink.

see what happens?

life. And I forget to blog.
I just finished a training class in working with Help/Crisis line. It was a good month long, 2 evenings a week training on dealing with crisis of all types and everything from mental illness, food needed,suicides and domestic violence and on and on.
Lots of stuff!
I am hoping to start the next step of training for the Domestic Violence Responder class-riding with the police on a shift and going to domestic Violence calls to help women with local resources and getting to safety. But for now I will be womanning the phone lines a few hours a week helping local people find local resources.

Ink

I watched this movie a few months ago and was blown away by it. Its a simple non advertised movie that few thought of as interesting but I think that is part of the lure--it has a black and white, real type feeling which hooks deep inside ones soul.
The beginning is hard to follow..and it took commitment to finishing it but Well Worth it.
Recently I bought the soundtrack..and it brought back those feelings of who we are, what we are suppose to do here and how it is so easy to lose our way and get stuck somewhere painful and dark. I think about dysfunction to the degree that a person isnt happy really...only happy creating unhappiness for others. How once stuck, people find excuses to stay stuck rather than breaking out by whatever means needed.
In this movie there are spiritual entities--angels, spirits, guardians protecting the dreams of humans. They fight for humans to dream and not be engulfed in nightmares--as part of the night or as part of their own making. Whether they are angels or not, I dont know, but i do believe in energy entities who are here by our design giving us signs along our path, hoping we pay attention. If we dont, they leap ahead and use more signs and more "obstacles" and Pain and grief to get our attention. For me i believe they are placed there BY me when i was designing my human experience--to hopefully remind me what i wanted to do here on this earth.
As i was listening to one song I find deeply touching to my spirit, I envisioned the energy entities around us all...wanting us to succeed, to be happy to experience the events and emotions we wanted. I realize how fragile it all is here when we are surrounded with narrow minded, bigoted,critical, mean spirited, self righteous people who believe they have ALL the answers when in reality they are the most lost!!
Look around. See the signs. See the path. Leave behind the dark and find your potential!!


oh....and if you have not seen the movie Ink..See it!! Hang in there as it does not give anything away to the plot!!!!!

Obstacles

At a recent woman's group meeting the topic of obstacles in our life was discussed and how to deal with them. It seems we make resolutions to change but the ability to get pass the obstacles prevents us from truly following through. As I thought about the many obstacles over my life I came to a conclusion for me. My obstacles have always been signs that my life needs changing or situations need reassessing or friends need removing from my life. I can do 3 things when faced with obstacles--1- ignore it and turn my back--which of course does nothing to solve it but the obstacle gets bigger and bigger and I must create more denial tactics to not notice it. 2- I go around it and hope this means its not there anymore--same as #1 though as it gets bigger and I go around it more and more. The third is confront it==walk right into it and figure out what this obstacle is "saying" to me. What needs to change? What transformation is waiting for me once i deal with this obstacle? Why am i so reluctant to do this and wallow in the pain or sorrow I am in now?
Well change is always hard... as is dealing with obstacles because they often involve people in our life. Family even. To confront those in our life who create angst and drama and pain is the hardest thing we can do. Changing things in our life is never easy and sometimes we dont even know how we will change it but we just do. Toxic relationships are a big obstacle to our own growth and happiness. People who suck every bit of love and compassion and emotions from you need to be put outside personal space and dealt with as little as possible. Even love relationships with depression, betrayal, lack of communication, and jealousy will drag one down to the depths of sorrow and its hard to get back up until the obstacle is removed.
As obstacles come into my life--whether of my own making or others- I can stop seeing them as negative but see them as a life line being thrown to me by the Divine herself to help me grow and change. Rejecting the chance to change endangers my happiness and transformation.
Obstacles suck big lemons but offer joy and release when dealt with.

Women and religion

Scared texts--Women and Religion

All of the major world religions deprecate women to some degree. This page archives texts which relate specifically to women and religion from a female perspective.
There is some great reading on this page!!

Christopher Walken...Awesome!

I love this dance video so im re-posting!!

Ophelia--Natalie Merchant

Be Good Tanyas--Great music!!

Snow in Alabama?

Yep...but not the blizzard we expected but that didnt stop folks from buying every single gallon of milk, loaf of bread, boxes of cheerios and of course the true staple--beer!
I suppose the thought is if we have those items we can survive any silly ole blizzard!!!(or any invasion actually)
I ventured out to buy bird feed as I noticed the poor shivering birds outside my door-- immediately upon putting food out, I believe there was super secret ninja bird call that called every bird in Decatur out to my house. I immediately thought of the Hitchcock movie The Birds and now was scared!!!! :)
But as a friend pointed out since i was obviously fattening them up at least in this blizzard I would have a source of food!!!

I kept my woodstove agoin' which is always nice on such days. Fighting for any space in front of it with the "Up the Butt Gang--the mastiffs! If they could get inside the fire to stay warm,, they would.

So a nice snow, a big pot of beef stew and biscuits and we are happy!!!
Now where is that buttered rum!!!!!??

2010

So where will this new year take me? Where will you go with it? Rather than make resolutions, instead make affirmations and intentions that can be implemented slowly. What things do you want to see manifested in your life?

This is my new decade year...I will be 50. The 40s have been a true rollar coaster--lots of intense dips and heart stopping climbs that I thought would never end. I have endured things I thought I never would and came out more alive and more passionate about living life. I have met people that have helped me on this journey that however briefly they were in my life I am grateful.
They taught me a lot about myself and demanded I grow even when I did not want to.

In my 50s, I want to see the culmination of my efforts. I have things I want to do outside my own comfort zone of living. I want to travel and live and see things I have never seen. I want to meet people who can teach me more about myself and this life. I want to experience amazing events and have great stories to tell my grandchildren (should I ever have any!!)
I want stories that even if at 90 I forget my name, I can recount my adventures.

So onto the 50s...Bring on the glorious and put my feet on the path to adventure!!!