Juggling

Sometimes I feel like I am juggling many balls at once-keeping them all up and rotated and at the same speed. Other days I feel like I just juggle one or two and then set them down and pick up others then put those down to pick up different ones. Some days I let as many balls as i can drop and stay down.
But life it like that I think-- sometimes days are just full tilt boogie rock and roll til the sun goes down and I fall on my couch and just Breath for the first time that day. Some days I walk around with nothing to do and am totally bored.

This last week as been one of on the go in 4 different states and driving like a mad woman sometimes to be where I needed to be to juggle whatever ball was up at the time.
Of course when I am tired meandering thoughts come to mind and I can over ponder them.
Like:

Why are people just so unkind? to show such disrespect to another just seems uncalled for. It is so amazing how kindness is seen as weakness or stupidness when in fact it takes a strong person to simply walk away and not be unkind.

or

Why judge people before you even meet them or even hear their voice? I can imagine a lot of people read this and think I am "pugnacious" ( i find the word amusing and was recently used by someone who thought he knew me when he didnt know fuckin squat". Why is it when someone --in particular women--have strong opinions and are passionate about them and share them they are called supposed names like the P word. I think its a reflection of the caller of such P word and his own density and inability to be kind.

or

Seriously I am fuckin tired of the religious morons thinking they are in charge of the country and in charge of the moral compass for everyone. GOD fuckin damn..leave US alone...just fuck with your own idiotic kind!!!!

or

have you ever heard music so perfect and so beautiful it was like a voice and emotion and memory all at once?

or

Life is having a conversation with me...Am I listening???


or

What does it cost a person to call another and just say..THank you for your kindness and stopping by? Is it cowardice or is it just unkindness???


Well,,,those are some of my meandering thoughts for the day.

being 50

Kids and I have conversations about everything....and the 19 yo daughter of my womb asks me about getting older and is it scary.
I said without hesitation..i love being 50 and I am gonna enjoy this 5th decade. I find myself more at ease with my foibles or quirks and do not defend them to anyone. I dont apologize if my passions and desires makes people uncomfortable with me. I certainly dont sugar coat what i think is right or wrong FOR me--not that i could ever do that for anyone else and dont listen when they do. I find comfort if i am single the rest of my life cause I have had a love of my life for 25 years and even when it was time to part ways I appreciate the love, the humor, the friendship and the time we did have. It is what has made me who I am--through much sorrow and joy and grief and fun--it is still the reason I am.
I want to make a difference to others..not change the world but to be strong for those who cannot be and be a voice for those who have none.... and being 50 makes it easier for me to do that then when i was 25 or 30 and didnt even know my own voice.
I have loved "growing up" and seeing what I want to do..not that i know now but the journey to finding out has been rewarding and amazing and comforting to my soul.

So yes..its tough getting to 50..but oh my goddess..well worth it!!!!