Time flies...

doesnt it?
When life changes and takes a new path and one is on an adventure never thought to be on again. THe feeling of surprise mixed with joy of being found by someone who understands what that means makes one a bit forgetful about her blog.
But I am back.
I am also embarking on a new hobby for fitness..bike riding. I found the prettiest bike that will carry me hopefully many many miles and not hurt my butt too badly. ITs going to be fun to ride and keep up with the cutest guy i know.

Some days I wake up and this poem is perfect:

Variation On A Theme By Rilke

(The Book of Hours, Book I, Poem 1, Stanza 1)


A certain day became a presence to me;
there it was, confronting me -- a sky, air, light:
a being. And before it started to descend
from the height of noon, it leaned over
and struck my shoulder as if with
the flat of a sword, granting me
honor and a task. The day's blow
rang out, metallic -- or it was I, a bell awakened,
and what I heard was my whole self
saying and singing what it knew: I can.


~ Denise Levertov ~

Because there was a time when not only did i think i cant but briefly didnt want to.
As hard as emotional trauma can be there is a new day...slowly but surely emerging

sorrow

Having gone through intense sorrow and grief of relationships I know I am extremely sensitive to those starting on that path. Women friends who are beginning their journey of unraveling their marriage for various reasons make me want to envelope them in my arms and heart to lessen the pain they are about to encounter. I can feel the grief coating every word and the fear of this choice and I am overwhelmed with what they are about to have to go through.
At them same time I also know they are making a good choice for the situation and will at some point be on the other side of this feeling better and stronger.
We all travel our own paths and even with friends love and support, we still walk this alone and decide how to heal ourselves.
Sorrow and grief are part of life but so is joy and happiness and new beginnings. All must be experienced to live a full life.

Crossroads of life. Not always an easy place to be.

she is HOT!

Fuck yeah!!!!

when one doesnt know what one wants

it can seem scary. We always think we know what we want and yet often when we get it the thrill doesnt last long, the happiness we thought we would have isnt there and really our life doesnt change. The prospects of something new or changed is far more exciting than the actual thing. Does this mean we give up on hopes and dreams and wants and desires? Do we just stop wanting?
Its beyond that in my most goddessy opinion-- its balance and contentment for the now.
I believe if we look to our own selves for happiness and joy--then everything else is supplemental. The outside things dont become the measurement of our lives and just how happy we are--they simply are the things we have but could do with out and our inward happiness would not change( tho our physical comfort might)
I think the thing that gives me the most pleasure are relationships with others and the value i place on people around me. I tired of material things and the upkeep or the buying of stuff or the need for more things...but i dont tire of friends and emotions shared and being a small part of another persons story.
So its not that I dont know what I want but I know i cant do better than anything the Universe Divine is going to present me with..and i trust that She knows far better than me what i need and want--now and in the future. Now given that i believe the Divine is simply a spiritual manifestation of me anyway... i DO know what i need and want on that level and I do give myself the things i most need/want/desire/hope for.
Now of course im not saying we all should build a tepee and live without some comforts THOUGH i dont think its a bad thing to do occasionally--like going to another country and being part of the solutions to poverty and hunger and disease and seeing how others live. It certainly puts a earthy perspective on our own waste and standard of living.

And this is a good ramble i know..but im in a kind of ramblin mood.

parallel universe

exists in my house. things disappear and then reappear in the oddest of places. I will put something in a place and find it in another room where it could not have been taken.
So im thinking either I am crazy OR there are other people who come in and out of my universe and mess with me. Or maybe I go in and out of theirs and find their stuff which i think is my stuff but isnt. We may just go back forth in some random order and not really know it--blaming others for missing objects or unusual things happening.

or is it aliens??

It gets better!!!!

It Gets Better project for LGBT youth... Great Idea!!!

What if it is JUST what it is...

life that is. We so badly want a reason for life, a reason we suffer and a reason we die. What if it is only those things. Our life. Our suffering. Our joys. Our death.
Why do we get something more than that? And when we believe we should get more for "suffering" or being "good" do we negate our life here by not living it with intent and purpose? Do we run from experiences cause they might send us to hell or cause us to sin when in reality it is going to advance our own enlightenment and our own spiritual growth?

What if is what it is and not what it is not.

A Rumi poem

My heart is so small
it's almost invisible.
How can You place
such big sorrows in it?

"Look," He answered,
"your eyes are even smaller,
yet they behold the world."

~ Rumi ~


I love the book Women who run with wolves...its about archetypes of women using stories or myths. I have been stuck on The Skeleton Woman for a few years as every time i read it I have a new layer of understanding. Sometimes it brings up sorrows and pain to remember i did not understand the Life/Death/Life cycle of relationships and think "would it have made a difference?" and yet I know I am where i am suppose to be.
One sentence that struck out at me AGAIN was Not to fear our hearts being broken but trust they will heal. Cause broken hearts will happen unless we simply dont love. And Love IS the only thing that matters in this world...The ONLY thing. But being open and loving can being pain...pain brings growth and enlightenment and one loves more....more pain/more enlightenment/more love.

Sometimes that realization can be overwhelming.

again...October

Its awesome!!!
Witches Ball, Halloween Party, Burlesque show, New year ritual and bonfire, Day of the Dead... I LOVE these celebrations for Oct and Early Nov...
then im ready to hibernate for winter.... I have my firewood stacked, and quilts on the couch and hot teas in the cupboard...
Come on Winter..im just awaitin for those cold days and freezing nights.

I will miss cleo sleeping with me to keep me warm. She was my main queen dog... 120# of pure love and happiness to be living with us. She died unexpectedly of heart failure at 7 years old--neo mastiffs and most big dogs dont live exceptionally long times.
We rescued her from Ky and as soon as she got to my house she threw herself on my bed and declared whose "bitch" She was ( or I was maybe !!!)

I will miss you this winter cleo

epiphanies

when the universe speaks to me....i listen. In fact I record too!!
I spend a lot of time on the road so its also my thinking time, my thoughts meandering all over the place. I have some pretty cool ideas and solve many issues this way.
Today it was like 3 enlightenments and I had to turn my phones voice recorder so i could say the words.. I needed to say them and then hear them.
Its interesting how I can hear someone say something that cause me to pause a moment and reflect what they are saying..and it stays with me. And for days I mull it over..mostly trying to see how i really feel about it or believe about it. Maybe it is something I have even considered and now will.

I firmly believe we are spiritual beings having this human experience we designed or desired or requested--heck there may even be "wild cards" that one signs up for and its ALL a big surprise!!! So when i am hit with clarification of my experiences--I listen!!!

Seeing a bigger picture

It is easy and quite normal to have tunnel vision in life. We see events or actions and only put them in the context of the NOW and react/respond accordingly. It takes a lot of thought, patience and deep breathing to see or at least understand there is so much more to what is going on. Far more is going on that we dont see than what we see.
I am not against boundaries for those times where it is called for such as those lashing out or sucking energy or manipulating but even those things have a bigger context they evolved from. People lash out because they are scared, hurt or in pain and sometimes dont even know it.
I remember a movie once where scene just made me emotionally aware of the consequences of how we treat others--2 woman not the best of friends and at the opposite end of social lives. One is very snooty and has the "perfect married life" and the other is single and sleeps around a lot (due to some serious pain) but when the first gal finds out her husband is having an affair and lashes out at the 2nd gal in sorrow and pain, the 2nd gal looks at her and comes up and just hugs her and lets her get beyond the accusation stage and helps her feel the pain by being in her space and getting beyond the blame.
So often a hug is what makes a difference..not words and not books and not seminars but simply a hug from someone with no judgements.
Always there is a bigger picture in life...