life unfurls

and i watch with anticipation. When one has all the foundations of life crashing down around you, memories ripped away from you and new ones fitted in, when it seems like not one more thing can be thrown your way..... it helps to step back and moment and BREATHE....
and just WAIT for it to all clear.
Wait for the dust to settle,,, the pain to subside..the broken heart to just stop hurting so damn much.
Life is what it is and I dont know what is my journey but i know my goal..to be the best i can be.
To BE the best person i can be is really all any of us can do.

But some days i tire. I tire of holding my arms up and being strong. Being a rock for those who are around me. I am overwhelmed with things people say or do that are only to hurt another. I sometimes let them make me falter and wonder at my purpose. I let their voices into my head and i let their mean spirited ghosts wander my life.
But not for long......not for long at all.

The Layers

I have walked through many lives,
some of them my own,
and I am not who I was,
though some principle of being
abides, from which I struggle not to stray.
When I look behind,
as I am compelled to look
before I can gather strength
to proceed on my journey,
I see the milestones dwindling
toward the horizon
and the slow fires trailing
from the abandoned camp-sites,
over which scavenger angels
wheel on heavy wings.
Oh, I have made myself a tribe
out of my true affections,
and my tribe is scattered!
How shall the heart be reconciled
to its feast of losses?
In a rising wind
the manic dust of my friends,
those who fell along the way,
bitterly stings my face.
yet I turn, I turn,
exulting somewhat,
with my will intact to go
wherever I need to go,
and every stone on the road
precious to me.
In my darkest night,
when the moon was covered
and I roamed through wreckage,
a nimbus-clouded voice
directed me:
"Live in the layers,
not on the litter."
Though I lack the art
to decipher it,
no doubt the next chapter
in my book of transformations
is already written,
I am not done with my changes.

what is the end sum of life?

Being 48 I have lived a fair share of my life so far.. :) enough to realize one thing about life and that is It changes,,it evolves and it is never how i think its going to be.
I remember a poem long ago used the warp and weft of a tapestry to explain life. We have a the foundation of our life... female, American, born in the 60s, having a sister, parents, etc.. these are the warp of my life. The weft is all the other threads... the dark ones, the light ones, the funky glow in the dark threads...sometimes these threads dont seem to match..they seem out of place.. but in the end they will be perfectly where they are suppose to be.
I know i have quite a few more years of weaving my life but as i look back over to what i have so far, I like it. the dark life changing, life expanding, life creating threads were daunting at times, sad at times and overwhelming but they do add a touch of character, a facet of clarity that I find fitting amongst the more glorious threads of life.
I truly believe i am a spiritual being having an earthly experience...and i want to remain in the present and enjoy the NOW of my life. Taking each moment and being appreciative of the experience and the people involved.

and Still i rise...

Still I Rise

You may write me down in history
With your bitter, twisted lies,
You may trod me in the very dirt
But still, like dust, I'll rise.

Does my sassiness upset you?
Why are you beset with gloom?
'Cause I walk like I've got oil wells
Pumping in my living room.

Just like moons and like suns,
With the certainty of tides,
Just like hopes springing high,
Still I'll rise.

Did you want to see me broken?
Bowed head and lowered eyes?
Shoulders falling down like teardrops.
Weakened by my soulful cries.

Does my haughtiness offend you?
Don't you take it awful hard
'Cause I laugh like I've got gold mines
Diggin' in my own back yard.

You may shoot me with your words,
You may cut me with your eyes,
You may kill me with your hatefulness,
But still, like air, I'll rise.

Does my sexiness upset you?
Does it come as a surprise
That I dance like I've got diamonds
At the meeting of my thighs?

Out of the huts of history's shame
I rise
Up from a past that's rooted in pain
I rise
I'm a black ocean, leaping and wide,
Welling and swelling I bear in the tide.
Leaving behind nights of terror and fear
I rise
Into a daybreak that's wondrously clear
I rise
Bringing the gifts that my ancestors gave,
I am the dream and the hope of the slave.
I rise
I rise
I rise.

Maya Angelou

and this is happening all over again....

this will make you smile

life in general

WOW i finally got my Bachelors in Metaphysical Sciences. B.Msc
I am so proud of meself. :)
I worked hard achieving this and really enjoyed it.
I am now working on the Masters in Divinity.

So the question for me is whether to go to Africa or not for a month long trip to help/learn from midwives there. Im not sure what is keeping me from saying YES loud and clear..but i something is and i need to figure it out.

Last night me and some kiddlets went to the Birmingham Gay Pride Parade....and it was a blast.
I love when people just get together and celebrate and have fun. My kids collected plenty of beads and enjoyed themselves also.
I simply was irritated at the religious freaks who thought it OK to bring their hateful signs to this and preach THEIR word to anyone close by. What a bunch of hypocrites!!! When the church/christianity/religious nuts STOP sin IN their churches... then they can harp on others.
Lets just start with them dealing with adultery...or lying... oh wait-its OK to lie if its for a good cause..like Christmas maybe?? Jesus wasnt BORN on Dec 25th... so its a LIE to say its so...

Arent liars bad??? arent THEY going to hell to burn forever and forever???
whatever... these people are MEAN hearted....

Great Parade!!!!!

excuses

Recently i have been once again exposed to Midlife Crisis and depression in someone i love. Once again i am struck with how easy it is to use depression as an excuse for bad/rude/unkind behavior towards loved ones. I realize a mid life crisis is a call for help....its the way a person on many levels gets their own attention to DEAL with issues being buried. SOmetimes people answer the cry and deal with it, sometimes they ignore it until chaos and bad choices engulf them and those they love completely.
When does someone step away from depression and make choices....not live by default?

Love

When is love? Is love the essence of every belief system? Isnt Love the core of what everyone is wanting? Why is love rejected because because we disagree on details of expression? Is God/Goddess/Universe SO small that love MUST be expressed only in certain ways?
I find it interesting that people will pass by love, honor and happiness because their GOD demands fidelity to a belief system. God is not one dimensional and He/She is certainly more than we can every imagine or describe. How can ONE religious belief settle WHO H/She is? How can mere WORDS describe the entirety of the Divine? How many people deny themselves love and happiness because of missing the point of what we as humans are?
Is not LOVE an expression of the Divine? Is not a hug when someone is hurt the Divine being shared?
WHY is it more important to go to the right church, believe the right rules, sing the right songs and yet NOT accept love in its glorious and godlike form?

I am so sad people miss out on love in their life because of limited understanding of Divine. I can see standing before the Divine and we realize the times She had sent us herself as Love and we rejected it because we simply wouldnt look outside our human-ness. Will be be sad when we see the missed opportunities to truly love and be loved? Will we be anguished as we remember the searching for love when it was right there? Will it grieve the heart when we remember our pushing away the very thing we wanted so much?

hold you in my arms

forgiveness

We are swimming with the snakes at the bottom of the well
So silent and peaceful in the darkness where we fell
But we are not snakes and what's more we never will be
And if we stay swimming here forever we will never be free

I heard 'em ringing the bells in heaven and hell
They got a secret they're getting ready to tell
It's falling from the skies, it's calling from the graves
Open your eyes boy, I think we are saved
Open your eyes boy, I think we are saved

Let's take a walk on the bridge right over this mess
Don't need to tell me a thing baby, we're already confessed
And I raise my voice to the air and we were blessed
It's hard to give
It's hard to get
But everybody needs a little forgiveness

We are calling for help tonight on a thin phone line
As usual we're having ourselves one hell of a time
And the planes keep flying right over our heads no matter how loud we shout
"Hey, hey, hey!"
And we keep waving and waving our arms in the air but we're all tired out

I heard somebody say today is the day
Big old hurricane, she's blowing our way
Knocking over the buildings
Killing all the lights
Open your eyes boy, we made it through the night
Open your eyes boy, we made it through the night

Let's take a walk on the bridge right over this mess
Don't need to tell me a thing baby, we're already confessed
And I raise my voice to the air and we were blessed
It's hard to give
It's hard to get
It's hard to live baby, still I think it's the best bet
Hard to give and I'm never gonna forget
But everybody needs a little forgiveness
Everybody needs a little forgiveness

From Living with Ghosts, written by Patty Griffin.

more loreena

Beloved, gaze in thine own heart
The holy tree is growing there;
From joy the holy branches start
And all the trembling flowers they bear.
The changing colours of its fruit
Have dowered the stars with merry light;
The surety of its hidden root
Has planted quiet in the night;
The shaking of its leafy head
Has given the waves their melody.
And made my lips and music wed,
Murmuring a wizard song for thee,
There the Loves a circle go,
The flaming circle of our days,
Gyring, spiring to and fro
In those great ignorant leafy ways;
Remembering all that shaken hair
And how the winged sandals dart
Thine eyes grow full of tender care;
Beloved, gaze in thine own heart.

Gaze no more in the bitter glass
The demons, with their subtle guile,
Lift up before us when they pass,
Or only gaze a little while;
For there a fatal image grows
That the stormy night receives,
Roots half hidden under snows,
Broken boughs and blackened leaves.
For all things turn to bareness
In the dim glass the demons hold,
The glass of outer weariness,
Made when God slept in times of old.
There, through the broken branches, go
The ravens of unresting thought;
Flying, crying, to and fro,
Cruel claw and hungry throat,
Or else they stand and sniff the wind,
And shake their ragged wings: alas!
Thy tender eyes grow all unkind:
Gaze no more in the bitter glass.
Beloved, gaze in thine own heart,
The holy tree is growing there;
From joy the holy branches start,
And all the trembling flowers they bear.
Remembering all that shaken hair
And how the winged sandals dart,
Thine eyes grow full of tender care;
Beloved, gaze in thine own heart.

who can get enough of Loreena?

this is my favorite song