life is not static

I watched a movie about suicide and depression. The story was about a man who attempted suicide and failed. His friends and family came around and the story began to unfold on how he got to this event in his life.
In the end it was about facing and voicing our fears and hurts AND loving that child in us that at times was hurt or afraid or damaged. Realizing that as long as we run from our past and pain we continue to hurt ourselves and others trying to keep that inner child feeling safe.
I think about the many people who have this inner child that is so damaged that pain is the only life it knows. How the cycle continues and repeats and spirals out of control all through ones life. We run from that hurt child inside of us and wonder why life isnt working out or people abandon us or betray us or we feel overwhelmed with life.

I think standing and voicing our pain..saying the things that hurt us as a child is the first step to healing that inner child. Helping that inner child stand up and be strong and know what was done was wrong.
Each of us needs to look at our inner child and hug that part of us. Accept that part of us and see what positive things we can do with the pain.

Mindful

Mindful

Every day
I see or hear
something
that more or less

kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle

in the haystack
of light.
It was what I was born for -
to look, to listen,

to lose myself
inside this soft world -
to instruct myself
over and over

in joy,
and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant -
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab,

the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help

but grow wise
with such teachings
as these -
the untrimmable light

of the world,
the ocean's shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

~ Mary Oliver ~

The Road

The Road

Here is the road: the light
comes and goes then returns again.
Be gentle with your fellow travelers
as they move through the world of stone and stars
whirling with you yet every one alone.
The road waits.
Do not ask questions but when it invites you
to dance at daybreak, say yes.
Each step is the journey; a single note the song.

~ Arlene Gay Levine ~

a turn in the path

I love making plans... short term and long term. I like searching for the educational experience that will expand my knowledge and help me attain my goals of health care for women. But i also have learned to sit back and wait when things change..when my plan suddenly goes awry and im left wondering what the effin fuck just happened?
but without fail if i breathe deeply and WAIT...............wait........W.a.i.t....... and wait more...it becomes apparent that my path is changing and as chaotic or painful as it is, it IS working out best for me.
Things have drastically changed in the educational arena for me..most unexpectedly and quite dramatically but I found an even better way to finish this part up.
Now i could gnash and groan and pitch fits and be ugly but really? now that i see what is happening shouldnt I be happy and celebrating that I/the Universe/The Divine stepped in and guided me to the "now it is what it is and no longer that what was"

I like that.

Juggling

Sometimes I feel like I am juggling many balls at once-keeping them all up and rotated and at the same speed. Other days I feel like I just juggle one or two and then set them down and pick up others then put those down to pick up different ones. Some days I let as many balls as i can drop and stay down.
But life it like that I think-- sometimes days are just full tilt boogie rock and roll til the sun goes down and I fall on my couch and just Breath for the first time that day. Some days I walk around with nothing to do and am totally bored.

This last week as been one of on the go in 4 different states and driving like a mad woman sometimes to be where I needed to be to juggle whatever ball was up at the time.
Of course when I am tired meandering thoughts come to mind and I can over ponder them.
Like:

Why are people just so unkind? to show such disrespect to another just seems uncalled for. It is so amazing how kindness is seen as weakness or stupidness when in fact it takes a strong person to simply walk away and not be unkind.

or

Why judge people before you even meet them or even hear their voice? I can imagine a lot of people read this and think I am "pugnacious" ( i find the word amusing and was recently used by someone who thought he knew me when he didnt know fuckin squat". Why is it when someone --in particular women--have strong opinions and are passionate about them and share them they are called supposed names like the P word. I think its a reflection of the caller of such P word and his own density and inability to be kind.

or

Seriously I am fuckin tired of the religious morons thinking they are in charge of the country and in charge of the moral compass for everyone. GOD fuckin damn..leave US alone...just fuck with your own idiotic kind!!!!

or

have you ever heard music so perfect and so beautiful it was like a voice and emotion and memory all at once?

or

Life is having a conversation with me...Am I listening???


or

What does it cost a person to call another and just say..THank you for your kindness and stopping by? Is it cowardice or is it just unkindness???


Well,,,those are some of my meandering thoughts for the day.

being 50

Kids and I have conversations about everything....and the 19 yo daughter of my womb asks me about getting older and is it scary.
I said without hesitation..i love being 50 and I am gonna enjoy this 5th decade. I find myself more at ease with my foibles or quirks and do not defend them to anyone. I dont apologize if my passions and desires makes people uncomfortable with me. I certainly dont sugar coat what i think is right or wrong FOR me--not that i could ever do that for anyone else and dont listen when they do. I find comfort if i am single the rest of my life cause I have had a love of my life for 25 years and even when it was time to part ways I appreciate the love, the humor, the friendship and the time we did have. It is what has made me who I am--through much sorrow and joy and grief and fun--it is still the reason I am.
I want to make a difference to others..not change the world but to be strong for those who cannot be and be a voice for those who have none.... and being 50 makes it easier for me to do that then when i was 25 or 30 and didnt even know my own voice.
I have loved "growing up" and seeing what I want to do..not that i know now but the journey to finding out has been rewarding and amazing and comforting to my soul.

So yes..its tough getting to 50..but oh my goddess..well worth it!!!!

The boat

The Boat

Maybe the eyes of a dragon or goddess
glare from its prow.

More likely it leaks, loses an oar,
and reeks of rainbows awash on a sheen
of gutted salmon and gasoline.

If it’s a liner, we lash ourselves
to whatever will float or sell.

No matter which. We choose. We’re aboard,
icebergs or no, as we plow
through the songs of the siren stars—

one boat, black water, dark whispering below.

~ Paul Fisher ~

Other blog

I hope everyone is following me on my Adventurous trip to the Philippines to train on International Health Care for Women and Children. The link is Midwife Trip I am posting a lot of pictures and stories!!

This is for you..and you know who you are.

"There is a reason for everything"

I am finding myself more and more irritated when i hear someone make this statement in response to tragedy. From a lost puppy to wrecked car to death of a child to dinner burning to hurricane devastating a country. I wonder if people are so removed from others pain and the mindset of "THANKING god" it did not happen to them, that they trivializa their pain to avoid actually questioning their own belief system.
I dont believe the accidental death of a young child has a reason-- who will learn from this and is THEIR learning worth the death of a child and the pain of the family? Is it really a belief that GOD causes this accident to help someone else with a lesson in life? really??? i find it interesting those that say it have tended to not have the same tragedy. I think its said without really thinking of how the person in pain will feel when its said.
And a hurricane that rips through communities with such devastation that it will take years to rebuild REALLY part of a reason? Gods judgment? anger? sin? WTF?
Are women who are raped and tortured going through this for a reason? What? to make them better people? to make them not put themselves as a target? REALLY? Are we so quick to diminish a persons pain by trying to help them see it as a lesson from God?
A child who develops a terminal illness --is there a reason?

Cant we say many horrible things happen and there simply isnt a reason? There is no god orchestrating horrible things in order to bring someone to Him or to a new life or to repentance and if there is--He is a tyrant and a evil bastard. As a believer in Mother Earth/Goddess I know She would not hurt people to prove Her love for them or to make them prove their love for Her. The divine is expressed through perfect love and thus it is not evil or hurtful.

Horrible things happen and all we can do is deal with the pain and the sorrow, figure out what to do next and then start healing. We can LEARN from tragedies but tragedies dont occur for our own lessons--it is simply part of life.
I am becoming closer and closer to telling someone to shut the fuck up the next time the pithy, dismissive and diminishing excuse is given rather than I am listening to you and here for you.
What i believe I can learn from tragedies is just being there for hurting people. Just holding a hand, wiping a tear or letting them feel safe in expressing all the emotions they have--and letting them know ALL they feel is normal. As my disaster class said " normal reactions to abnormal events"

I find it interesting

to hear of all the fear of a religious group that Americans express. They fear their threats of taking us over or the violence that has happened--they are incensed with anger over the audacity they come to OUR own soil to wage war.

Never mind the history of christianity..the waging of war on others lands, the crossing the oceans to "unknown" places and conquering all the "savages" there ALL in the name of GOD. Never mind the murder, terror, torture and contempt for everyone everywhere throughout most of the history of christianity.

How is this different? How can we be angry at what another country is doing when christianity itself is guilty of the very same thing? Terrorizing others who differ from them.
To deny that christinaity is a violent religion is to simply show ignorance and an assumed entitlement that since we are bringing heathens to Jesus then We have it every right to terrorize others, to humiliate others, to kill and maim and pass laws to prevent them full human rights.

I am tired if the unkindness of this religious group. And i am quite sure GOD is tired of them using his name to judge and criticize and hurt and deny love to others around us. I know I am tired of it and refuse any longer to abide by it quietly.

Hope

Hope

Old spirit, in and beyond me,
keep and extend me. Amid strangers,
friends, great trees and big seas breaking,
let love move me. Let me hear the whole music,
see clear, reach deep. Open me to find due words,
that I may shape them to ploughshares of my own making.
After such luck, however late, give me to give to
the oldest dance.... Then to good sleep,
and - if it happens - glad waking.

~ Philip Booth ~