Voice of An Uppity Womyn

Time flies...

2011-02-17T12:50:00.002-06:00

doesnt it?
When life changes and takes a new path and one is on an adventure never thought to be on again. THe feeling of surprise mixed with joy of being found by someone who understands what that means makes one a bit forgetful about her blog.
But I am back.
I am also embarking on a new hobby for fitness..bike riding. I found the prettiest bike that will carry me hopefully many many miles and not hurt my butt too badly. ITs going to be fun to ride and keep up with the cutest guy i know.

Some days I wake up and this poem is perfect:

Variation On A Theme By Rilke

(The Book of Hours, Book I, Poem 1, Stanza 1)

A certain day became a presence to me;
there it was, confronting me -- a sky, air, light:
a being. And before it started to descend
from the height of noon, it leaned over
and struck my shoulder as if with
the flat of a sword, granting me
honor and a task. The day's blow
rang out, metallic -- or it was I, a bell awakened,
and what I heard was my whole self
saying and singing what it knew: I can.

~ Denise Levertov ~

Because there was a time when not only did i think i cant but briefly didnt want to.
As hard as emotional trauma can be there is a new day...slowly but surely emerging

sorrow

2010-11-10T11:23:00.002-06:00

Having gone through intense sorrow and grief of relationships I know I am extremely sensitive to those starting on that path. Women friends who are beginning their journey of unraveling their marriage for various reasons make me want to envelope them in my arms and heart to lessen the pain they are about to encounter. I can feel the grief coating every word and the fear of this choice and I am overwhelmed with what they are about to have to go through.
At them same time I also know they are making a good choice for the situation and will at some point be on the other side of this feeling better and stronger.
We all travel our own paths and even with friends love and support, we still walk this alone and decide how to heal ourselves.
Sorrow and grief are part of life but so is joy and happiness and new beginnings. All must be experienced to live a full life.

Crossroads of life. Not always an easy place to be.

2010-11-09T20:22:00.001-06:00

she is HOT!

2010-11-09T20:20:00.000-06:00

Fuck yeah!!!!

when one doesnt know what one wants

2010-11-09T20:05:00.002-06:00

it can seem scary. We always think we know what we want and yet often when we get it the thrill doesnt last long, the happiness we thought we would have isnt there and really our life doesnt change. The prospects of something new or changed is far more exciting than the actual thing. Does this mean we give up on hopes and dreams and wants and desires? Do we just stop wanting?
Its beyond that in my most goddessy opinion-- its balance and contentment for the now.
I believe if we look to our own selves for happiness and joy--then everything else is supplemental. The outside things dont become the measurement of our lives and just how happy we are--they simply are the things we have but could do with out and our inward happiness would not change( tho our physical comfort might)
I think the thing that gives me the most pleasure are relationships with others and the value i place on people around me. I tired of material things and the upkeep or the buying of stuff or the need for more things...but i dont tire of friends and emotions shared and being a small part of another persons story.
So its not that I dont know what I want but I know i cant do better than anything the Universe Divine is going to present me with..and i trust that She knows far better than me what i need and want--now and in the future. Now given that i believe the Divine is simply a spiritual manifestation of me anyway... i DO know what i need and want on that level and I do give myself the things i most need/want/desire/hope for.
Now of course im not saying we all should build a tepee and live without some comforts THOUGH i dont think its a bad thing to do occasionally--like going to another country and being part of the solutions to poverty and hunger and disease and seeing how others live. It certainly puts a earthy perspective on our own waste and standard of living.

And this is a good ramble i know..but im in a kind of ramblin mood.

parallel universe

2010-11-06T16:55:00.002-05:00

exists in my house. things disappear and then reappear in the oddest of places. I will put something in a place and find it in another room where it could not have been taken.
So im thinking either I am crazy OR there are other people who come in and out of my universe and mess with me. Or maybe I go in and out of theirs and find their stuff which i think is my stuff but isnt. We may just go back forth in some random order and not really know it--blaming others for missing objects or unusual things happening.

or is it aliens??

It gets better!!!!

2010-11-02T14:07:00.001-05:00

It Gets Better project for LGBT youth... Great Idea!!!

What if it is JUST what it is...

2010-10-31T20:20:00.002-05:00

life that is. We so badly want a reason for life, a reason we suffer and a reason we die. What if it is only those things. Our life. Our suffering. Our joys. Our death.
Why do we get something more than that? And when we believe we should get more for "suffering" or being "good" do we negate our life here by not living it with intent and purpose? Do we run from experiences cause they might send us to hell or cause us to sin when in reality it is going to advance our own enlightenment and our own spiritual growth?

What if is what it is and not what it is not.

A Rumi poem

2010-10-29T10:48:00.002-05:00

My heart is so small
it's almost invisible.
How can You place
such big sorrows in it?

"Look," He answered,
"your eyes are even smaller,
yet they behold the world."

~ Rumi ~

I love the book Women who run with wolves...its about archetypes of women using stories or myths. I have been stuck on The Skeleton Woman for a few years as every time i read it I have a new layer of understanding. Sometimes it brings up sorrows and pain to remember i did not understand the Life/Death/Life cycle of relationships and think "would it have made a difference?" and yet I know I am where i am suppose to be.
One sentence that struck out at me AGAIN was Not to fear our hearts being broken but trust they will heal. Cause broken hearts will happen unless we simply dont love. And Love IS the only thing that matters in this world...The ONLY thing. But being open and loving can being pain...pain brings growth and enlightenment and one loves more....more pain/more enlightenment/more love.

Sometimes that realization can be overwhelming.

again...October

2010-10-28T00:27:00.002-05:00

Its awesome!!!
Witches Ball, Halloween Party, Burlesque show, New year ritual and bonfire, Day of the Dead... I LOVE these celebrations for Oct and Early Nov...
then im ready to hibernate for winter.... I have my firewood stacked, and quilts on the couch and hot teas in the cupboard...
Come on Winter..im just awaitin for those cold days and freezing nights.

I will miss cleo sleeping with me to keep me warm. She was my main queen dog... 120# of pure love and happiness to be living with us. She died unexpectedly of heart failure at 7 years old--neo mastiffs and most big dogs dont live exceptionally long times.
We rescued her from Ky and as soon as she got to my house she threw herself on my bed and declared whose "bitch" She was ( or I was maybe !!!)

I will miss you this winter cleo

epiphanies

2010-10-28T00:14:00.002-05:00

when the universe speaks to me....i listen. In fact I record too!!
I spend a lot of time on the road so its also my thinking time, my thoughts meandering all over the place. I have some pretty cool ideas and solve many issues this way.
Today it was like 3 enlightenments and I had to turn my phones voice recorder so i could say the words.. I needed to say them and then hear them.
Its interesting how I can hear someone say something that cause me to pause a moment and reflect what they are saying..and it stays with me. And for days I mull it over..mostly trying to see how i really feel about it or believe about it. Maybe it is something I have even considered and now will.

I firmly believe we are spiritual beings having this human experience we designed or desired or requested--heck there may even be "wild cards" that one signs up for and its ALL a big surprise!!! So when i am hit with clarification of my experiences--I listen!!!

Seeing a bigger picture

2010-10-22T11:49:00.002-05:00

It is easy and quite normal to have tunnel vision in life. We see events or actions and only put them in the context of the NOW and react/respond accordingly. It takes a lot of thought, patience and deep breathing to see or at least understand there is so much more to what is going on. Far more is going on that we dont see than what we see.
I am not against boundaries for those times where it is called for such as those lashing out or sucking energy or manipulating but even those things have a bigger context they evolved from. People lash out because they are scared, hurt or in pain and sometimes dont even know it.
I remember a movie once where scene just made me emotionally aware of the consequences of how we treat others--2 woman not the best of friends and at the opposite end of social lives. One is very snooty and has the "perfect married life" and the other is single and sleeps around a lot (due to some serious pain) but when the first gal finds out her husband is having an affair and lashes out at the 2nd gal in sorrow and pain, the 2nd gal looks at her and comes up and just hugs her and lets her get beyond the accusation stage and helps her feel the pain by being in her space and getting beyond the blame.
So often a hug is what makes a difference..not words and not books and not seminars but simply a hug from someone with no judgements.
Always there is a bigger picture in life...

the important stuff

2010-10-19T21:30:00.002-05:00

re: the end of the year meanderings.....

Remembering that of all things-relationships are the most vital and most sustaining ad the only experience we could possibly take with us to the next life/existence if there is one. The people in our life teach us so much and allow us to acknowledge the importance of others in our own journey.
Recently i did a favor for a friend-- covered for her so she could go to a long awaited event which meant i would miss it. Little did i know until later when she wrote to thank me how important and vital this was for her. How emotionally needful this was for her when in reality it was something i could go to or not.
To know I helped another person on their path makes me glad i paid attention to what was really important in life--not an event, not going to a seminar but instead loving another person.

Planning my Samhain costume party--Halloween- has been a source of fun and delight!! Satan is my Pimp is the theme and i cant wait to put on my lighted Devil horns and dance about!!!

The end of the year

2010-10-10T11:15:00.002-05:00

Oct is the last day of the month in Celtic beliefs...it is time to wind down and get ready for winter. It is also time to remove from ones life old stuff, things not needed, emotions being held onto, illusions we insist on believing and anything that no longer serves us. Time to remove them and begin thinking of the new year/new life ahead.
Having a ritual bonfire on Oct 31 and writing down everything one wants to get rid of is powerful and can bring cleansing to our spirits. Fall is the end of harvest time and getting ready for the sleep of winter..the much needed resting and maybe even thinking of new things for spring.
i feel so many of my "stuffs" are ready to be thrown out. Things I had hoped for this year, goals i had set which got way laid or thrown a curve. I do feel its time to be done with wanting something and just rest for a few months and maybe another idea will germinate and spring up to surprise me.
Putting away these things can be hard and we often fight against it cause they are like comfort blankets..they wrap us up in warmth and cpziness and we dont want to be without them. Even when they are working we keep dreams and hopes alive--even when its obvious we have outgrown them or just need to put them aside for awhile.
Oct it s good month to think about resting things we want.. give ourselves a break and just Be for while. Winter is a sleeping/resting/transformation time so that in spring we can come out new and invigorated and ready for action!!!

life is not static

2010-09-22T01:40:00.003-05:00

I watched a movie about suicide and depression. The story was about a man who attempted suicide and failed. His friends and family came around and the story began to unfold on how he got to this event in his life.
In the end it was about facing and voicing our fears and hurts AND loving that child in us that at times was hurt or afraid or damaged. Realizing that as long as we run from our past and pain we continue to hurt ourselves and others trying to keep that inner child feeling safe.
I think about the many people who have this inner child that is so damaged that pain is the only life it knows. How the cycle continues and repeats and spirals out of control all through ones life. We run from that hurt child inside of us and wonder why life isnt working out or people abandon us or betray us or we feel overwhelmed with life.

I think standing and voicing our pain..saying the things that hurt us as a child is the first step to healing that inner child. Helping that inner child stand up and be strong and know what was done was wrong.
Each of us needs to look at our inner child and hug that part of us. Accept that part of us and see what positive things we can do with the pain.

Mindful

2010-08-26T01:11:00.001-05:00

Mindful

Every day
I see or hear
something
that more or less

kills me
with delight,
that leaves me
like a needle

in the haystack
of light.
It was what I was born for -
to look, to listen,

to lose myself
inside this soft world -
to instruct myself
over and over

in joy,
and acclamation.
Nor am I talking
about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful,
the very extravagant -
but of the ordinary,
the common, the very drab,

the daily presentations.
Oh, good scholar,
I say to myself,
how can you help

but grow wise
with such teachings
as these -
the untrimmable light

of the world,
the ocean's shine,
the prayers that are made
out of grass?

~ Mary Oliver ~

The Road

2010-08-26T01:07:00.001-05:00

The Road

Here is the road: the light
comes and goes then returns again.
Be gentle with your fellow travelers
as they move through the world of stone and stars
whirling with you yet every one alone.
The road waits.
Do not ask questions but when it invites you
to dance at daybreak, say yes.
Each step is the journey; a single note the song.

~ Arlene Gay Levine ~

a turn in the path

2010-08-25T16:07:00.004-05:00

I love making plans... short term and long term. I like searching for the educational experience that will expand my knowledge and help me attain my goals of health care for women. But i also have learned to sit back and wait when things change..when my plan suddenly goes awry and im left wondering what the effin fuck just happened?
but without fail if i breathe deeply and WAIT...............wait........W.a.i.t....... and wait more...it becomes apparent that my path is changing and as chaotic or painful as it is, it IS working out best for me.
Things have drastically changed in the educational arena for me..most unexpectedly and quite dramatically but I found an even better way to finish this part up.
Now i could gnash and groan and pitch fits and be ugly but really? now that i see what is happening shouldnt I be happy and celebrating that I/the Universe/The Divine stepped in and guided me to the "now it is what it is and no longer that what was"

I like that.

Juggling

2010-07-25T22:19:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I feel like I am juggling many balls at once-keeping them all up and rotated and at the same speed. Other days I feel like I just juggle one or two and then set them down and pick up others then put those down to pick up different ones. Some days I let as many balls as i can drop and stay down.
But life it like that I think-- sometimes days are just full tilt boogie rock and roll til the sun goes down and I fall on my couch and just Breath for the first time that day. Some days I walk around with nothing to do and am totally bored.

This last week as been one of on the go in 4 different states and driving like a mad woman sometimes to be where I needed to be to juggle whatever ball was up at the time.
Of course when I am tired meandering thoughts come to mind and I can over ponder them.
Like:

Why are people just so unkind? to show such disrespect to another just seems uncalled for. It is so amazing how kindness is seen as weakness or stupidness when in fact it takes a strong person to simply walk away and not be unkind.

or

Why judge people before you even meet them or even hear their voice? I can imagine a lot of people read this and think I am "pugnacious" ( i find the word amusing and was recently used by someone who thought he knew me when he didnt know fuckin squat". Why is it when someone --in particular women--have strong opinions and are passionate about them and share them they are called supposed names like the P word. I think its a reflection of the caller of such P word and his own density and inability to be kind.

or

Seriously I am fuckin tired of the religious morons thinking they are in charge of the country and in charge of the moral compass for everyone. GOD fuckin damn..leave US alone...just fuck with your own idiotic kind!!!!

or

have you ever heard music so perfect and so beautiful it was like a voice and emotion and memory all at once?

or

Life is having a conversation with me...Am I listening???

or

What does it cost a person to call another and just say..THank you for your kindness and stopping by? Is it cowardice or is it just unkindness???

Well,,,those are some of my meandering thoughts for the day.

being 50

2010-07-08T14:49:00.003-05:00

Kids and I have conversations about everything....and the 19 yo daughter of my womb asks me about getting older and is it scary.
I said without hesitation..i love being 50 and I am gonna enjoy this 5th decade. I find myself more at ease with my foibles or quirks and do not defend them to anyone. I dont apologize if my passions and desires makes people uncomfortable with me. I certainly dont sugar coat what i think is right or wrong FOR me--not that i could ever do that for anyone else and dont listen when they do. I find comfort if i am single the rest of my life cause I have had a love of my life for 25 years and even when it was time to part ways I appreciate the love, the humor, the friendship and the time we did have. It is what has made me who I am--through much sorrow and joy and grief and fun--it is still the reason I am.
I want to make a difference to others..not change the world but to be strong for those who cannot be and be a voice for those who have none.... and being 50 makes it easier for me to do that then when i was 25 or 30 and didnt even know my own voice.
I have loved "growing up" and seeing what I want to do..not that i know now but the journey to finding out has been rewarding and amazing and comforting to my soul.

So yes..its tough getting to 50..but oh my goddess..well worth it!!!!

The boat

2010-06-30T10:36:00.000-05:00

The Boat

Maybe the eyes of a dragon or goddess
glare from its prow.

More likely it leaks, loses an oar,
and reeks of rainbows awash on a sheen
of gutted salmon and gasoline.

If it’s a liner, we lash ourselves
to whatever will float or sell.

No matter which. We choose. We’re aboard,
icebergs or no, as we plow
through the songs of the siren stars—

one boat, black water, dark whispering below.

~ Paul Fisher ~

Other blog

2010-06-12T18:53:00.001-05:00

I hope everyone is following me on my Adventurous trip to the Philippines to train on International Health Care for Women and Children. The link is Midwife Trip I am posting a lot of pictures and stories!!

This is for you..and you know who you are.

2010-06-02T21:31:00.001-05:00

"There is a reason for everything"

2010-05-29T16:16:00.006-05:00

I am finding myself more and more irritated when i hear someone make this statement in response to tragedy. From a lost puppy to wrecked car to death of a child to dinner burning to hurricane devastating a country. I wonder if people are so removed from others pain and the mindset of "THANKING god" it did not happen to them, that they trivializa their pain to avoid actually questioning their own belief system.
I dont believe the accidental death of a young child has a reason-- who will learn from this and is THEIR learning worth the death of a child and the pain of the family? Is it really a belief that GOD causes this accident to help someone else with a lesson in life? really??? i find it interesting those that say it have tended to not have the same tragedy. I think its said without really thinking of how the person in pain will feel when its said.
And a hurricane that rips through communities with such devastation that it will take years to rebuild REALLY part of a reason? Gods judgment? anger? sin? WTF?
Are women who are raped and tortured going through this for a reason? What? to make them better people? to make them not put themselves as a target? REALLY? Are we so quick to diminish a persons pain by trying to help them see it as a lesson from God?
A child who develops a terminal illness --is there a reason?

Cant we say many horrible things happen and there simply isnt a reason? There is no god orchestrating horrible things in order to bring someone to Him or to a new life or to repentance and if there is--He is a tyrant and a evil bastard. As a believer in Mother Earth/Goddess I know She would not hurt people to prove Her love for them or to make them prove their love for Her. The divine is expressed through perfect love and thus it is not evil or hurtful.

Horrible things happen and all we can do is deal with the pain and the sorrow, figure out what to do next and then start healing. We can LEARN from tragedies but tragedies dont occur for our own lessons--it is simply part of life.
I am becoming closer and closer to telling someone to shut the fuck up the next time the pithy, dismissive and diminishing excuse is given rather than I am listening to you and here for you.
What i believe I can learn from tragedies is just being there for hurting people. Just holding a hand, wiping a tear or letting them feel safe in expressing all the emotions they have--and letting them know ALL they feel is normal. As my disaster class said " normal reactions to abnormal events"

I find it interesting

2010-05-27T23:26:00.002-05:00

to hear of all the fear of a religious group that Americans express. They fear their threats of taking us over or the violence that has happened--they are incensed with anger over the audacity they come to OUR own soil to wage war.

Never mind the history of christianity..the waging of war on others lands, the crossing the oceans to "unknown" places and conquering all the "savages" there ALL in the name of GOD. Never mind the murder, terror, torture and contempt for everyone everywhere throughout most of the history of christianity.

How is this different? How can we be angry at what another country is doing when christianity itself is guilty of the very same thing? Terrorizing others who differ from them.
To deny that christinaity is a violent religion is to simply show ignorance and an assumed entitlement that since we are bringing heathens to Jesus then We have it every right to terrorize others, to humiliate others, to kill and maim and pass laws to prevent them full human rights.

I am tired if the unkindness of this religious group. And i am quite sure GOD is tired of them using his name to judge and criticize and hurt and deny love to others around us. I know I am tired of it and refuse any longer to abide by it quietly.

Hope

2010-05-24T02:32:00.001-05:00

Hope

Old spirit, in and beyond me,
keep and extend me. Amid strangers,
friends, great trees and big seas breaking,
let love move me. Let me hear the whole music,
see clear, reach deep. Open me to find due words,
that I may shape them to ploughshares of my own making.
After such luck, however late, give me to give to
the oldest dance.... Then to good sleep,
and - if it happens - glad waking.

~ Philip Booth ~

that moment

2010-05-19T18:57:00.003-05:00

I can think back to several moments where life changes in seconds in a single event. One minute I think life is going one way and then something happens or someone says something and life changes. Not the small change but a dramatic, life altering, gut wrenching change that feels like a dream. Its on slow mode for a brief moment like all time stops and seems unreal.

I think I started thinking about this watching a show where the husband and wife are sitting and having a nice dinner and just having fun and for some reason he says something that you can tell by the wife's face that her life just shifted drastically. For a brief agonizing moment life and beliefs and hopes and dreams all ceased to make sense anymore. When another person changes the rules of the game without you consenting one can just feel the gut wrenching realization that it can never be put back together and life. has. changed.forever.

These moments are not always bad in the long run--often they are the beginning of better understanding, clearer vision and focus and the sign it is time to make changes but nonetheless they still hurt to the very core.
I remember being told of my spouse having affairs and even though it was years after the divorce it was an AHAH!!! moment of clarity which explained events leading up to the divorce which NOW made sense whereas before it was a jumbled up puzzle piece of stuff. Then the sorrow hit and i realized how life had changed and how drastically. As everyone experience tragedy and sorrow, the question is what is the next step? That is what defines our character and our future.
Words are powerful and in a syllable or two ones life can change forever.

Dreams?

2010-05-16T22:22:00.004-05:00

State what is impossible then decide what it will take to make it possible.

As i ponder those words, I think about how many times this has happened. I have an idea or want to do something but it seems impossible. But I really want to do XXXX. So i begin to figure out how to make it possible and then it is.
The process of figuring out a seemingly impossible situation or hearts desire is what unravels its solution. And the unraveling is actually the journey that creates us..not so much the final destination but the journey.
The thinking, the trouble shooting, the planning, the dreaming, the focusing and the envisioning it as real IS the life part.

As a spiritual being making the most of this human experience, I can make changes in my life just by changing my beliefs about the outcomes of my dreams and instead making them happen.

Come with me on that journey and lets see what reality we can create!!!

So fun!!!

2010-05-16T22:16:00.001-05:00

more thoughts..

2010-05-09T12:20:00.002-05:00

A good friend on her blog writes "I want to be known, identified, recognized, not by what I resist or oppose but by what I love."
I have been mulling this over and how it applies to life and in particularly my life.
So many things I am against or comment about that i oppose or attitudes I fight against when it comes to women are who people think I am. And I am those things. But do people also see me for the things i love?
Thunderstorms. Pregnant Women.A good book on Vampires. Babies.Godiva chocolates. Breastfeeding. Cup of herbal tea on a cold winters night with a roaring fire and a old quilt. Sleeping in on a cold morning. A full Moon and its basking rays or a Dark moon and its rejuvenating powers. Crying at a movie of emotional intensity. Playing with my new toy the IPAD. (ROFL).

Thats who I am more than the things I oppose. Who else knows this but me? Very few.

I call up my names...

2010-05-07T21:06:00.001-05:00

I call up my names: Woman who had been born in the arms of a woman and welcomed home. I shout truth-teller, silence-breaker, life-embracer,death-no-longer-fearing, woman reunited with her child self. I sing woman who is daughter, sister,lover and mother to herself. I hum woman planter, gatherer, healer. I drum woman warrior, sire, women-who-stands-firmly-on-her-feet, woman who reaches inward to her centre and outward to the stars. i am woman who is child no longer, woman who is making herself sane, whole. --Andrea Canaan

I found this piece of paper with this strong woman chant on it..i dont know where it came from or when i saved it..but it found me and i am saying it again.

May Day

2010-04-21T18:37:00.002-05:00

My annual fun May Day/Midwife Day/Cinco De Mayo is the first saturday of may.
Lots of reveling, dancing,cooking, hedonistic pursuits and mayhem of all kinds will be allowed and encouraged!!!
So bring food and drink and celebration!!!!

becoming pagan

2010-04-15T22:01:00.006-05:00

is the smartest thing I have ever done. To walk away from a belief that god will allow tragic things to happen to small children to prove a point about his neverending, all incompassing, ever merciful love and power is the best thing I ever did.
To not believe that there is such a god that could try and excuse his own lack of mercy except when it suits him is freedom.
Religion stinks. It is insulting to human dignity and robs us of loving each other with compassion and understanding.

yes..rapture come..get the freakin morons OUT and let us build a world without them!!!!!!

Oppression

2010-03-28T21:25:00.003-05:00

Religious Oppression of Women and the syndrome of the male messiah.
Interesting article on white men saving those they oppress and help liberate those they have enslaved.

More comments later as i digest this...

Are you listening?

2010-03-28T21:15:00.002-05:00

Recently I listened to a audio and loved the focus:
Life is having a conversation with you--are you listening? AND Instead of asking Why life is doing this TO you ask why is life doing this for you?
Just keeping those 2 thoughts in ones mind as life unfurls will give a totally unique and positive perspective on life and stuff that happens.
Some of the worst things were actually the best things to happen to me--giving me space and motivation to recreate my life and my focus and my passions. To believe all is positive is a change from thinking we are victims of circumstance.

change is inevitable and suckie and painful but change tells us something is wrong and change is gonna happen with us kicking and screaming OR going along with the flow of life.

Are you listening to YOUR life?

Music and Energy

2010-03-25T01:14:00.003-05:00

Music is amazing. It can touch the deepest part of our souls and make us cry or feel rage or know sorrow or happiness. Much stirs inside us emotions we may be hiding or denying and it is music that can speak of love so richly. I have been listening to music i played during the hardest time of my life--my loneliness before the divorce and after. The pain that was so deep I though I would drowned in it was expressed so many times with music of love lost, betrayal and the wound always being there.
I didnt drown myself in alcohol or drugs or crazy stuff but I did desperately seek music to understand my own emotions, to make sense of what was going on around me and to help begin the healing process. I listened over and over to powerful, rich, deeply moving music.
Sometimes even now I can listen to those songs again and feel the pain and sorrow and remember all that. I begin to think of how since all is energy and all is connected, that music is energy and thus we are connected to it which is why it moves us so much. I also think music is an entity that is there to create emotions and clarity and passions. Just as angels, spiritual guides or intuition or coincidences guide us in our life so does music--it is a created entity that consoles us, that lifts us up and holds us close when we cannot fathom another day on this earth. If music IS an entity then it is from the Divine and so music is the Divine here on this earth just as we are.
The Divine has many physical manifestations of love- cool water, life giving trees, colorful flowers, dancing clouds, brilliant stars and music. All create within us emotions and help us heal from devastation.
So the next time you hear music that speaks deeply to you, realize it is from the Divine and is one of the answers you are searching for.

Time and Time again

2010-03-25T01:09:00.003-05:00

As we go through life we find it does not turn out nor go they way we think it should. But often those twists of fate and strange turns in the road bring us the most enlightened time of life. It is what puts us on the "right" path and exposes us to who we really are. We can make so many choices but ultimately we all need to know who we are as humans.
Doing what is right for ourselves; Hurting noone; accepting responsibility for all our choices even the shit ones and making it up to those we do hurt out of ignorance.
Life is suppose to be up and down and surprising because none of us can really plan it all out. Instead of cursing those who cross your path and cause pain or sorrow we should thank them for bringing us emotions to feel and events to shape us and illumination of truth.
The older I get the less I know that which is truly solid--life is fluid and we swim along in it.

The Great Affair

2010-03-10T00:05:00.000-06:00

The great affair, the love affair with life,
is to live as variously as possible,
to groom one's curiosity like a high-spirited thoroughbred,
climb aboard, and gallop over the thick, sun-struck hills every day.

Where there is no risk, the emotional terrain is flat and unyielding,
and, despite all its dimensions, valleys, pinnacles, and detours,
life will seem to have none of its magnificent geography, only a length.

It began in mystery, and it will end in mystery,
but what a savage and beautiful country lies in between.

~ Diane Ackerman ~

Getting There

2010-03-08T12:55:00.000-06:00

Getting There

You take a final step and, look, suddenly
You're there. You've arrived
At the one place all your drudgery was aimed for:
This common ground
Where you stretch out, pressing your cheek to sandstone.

What did you want
To be? You'll remember soon. You feel like tinder
Under a burning glass,
A luminous point of change. The sky is pulsing
Against the cracked horizon,
Holding it firm till the arrival of stars
In time with your heartbeats.
Like wind etching rock, you've made a lasting impression
On the self you were
By having come all this way through all this welter
Under your own power,
Though your traces on a map would make an unpromising
Meandering lifeline.

What have you learned so far? You'll find out later,
Telling it haltingly
Like a dream, that lost traveler's dream
Under the last hill
Where through the night you'll take your time out of mind
To unburden yourself
Of elements along elementary paths
By the break of morning.

You've earned this worn-down, hard, incredible sight
Called Here and Now.
Now, what you make of it means everything,
Means starting over:
The life in your hands is neither here nor there
But getting there,
So you're standing again and breathing, beginning another
Journey without regret
Forever, being your own unpeaceable kingdom,
The end of endings.

~ David Wagoner ~
(In Broken Country)

thought for the day

2010-02-27T15:56:00.002-06:00

"I choose to see you as you were intended to be not as you have become."

from my favorite movie Ink.

see what happens?

2010-02-27T14:33:00.003-06:00

life. And I forget to blog.
I just finished a training class in working with Help/Crisis line. It was a good month long, 2 evenings a week training on dealing with crisis of all types and everything from mental illness, food needed,suicides and domestic violence and on and on.
Lots of stuff!
I am hoping to start the next step of training for the Domestic Violence Responder class-riding with the police on a shift and going to domestic Violence calls to help women with local resources and getting to safety. But for now I will be womanning the phone lines a few hours a week helping local people find local resources.

Ink

2010-02-06T17:37:00.005-06:00

I watched this movie a few months ago and was blown away by it. Its a simple non advertised movie that few thought of as interesting but I think that is part of the lure--it has a black and white, real type feeling which hooks deep inside ones soul.
The beginning is hard to follow..and it took commitment to finishing it but Well Worth it.
Recently I bought the soundtrack..and it brought back those feelings of who we are, what we are suppose to do here and how it is so easy to lose our way and get stuck somewhere painful and dark. I think about dysfunction to the degree that a person isnt happy really...only happy creating unhappiness for others. How once stuck, people find excuses to stay stuck rather than breaking out by whatever means needed.
In this movie there are spiritual entities--angels, spirits, guardians protecting the dreams of humans. They fight for humans to dream and not be engulfed in nightmares--as part of the night or as part of their own making. Whether they are angels or not, I dont know, but i do believe in energy entities who are here by our design giving us signs along our path, hoping we pay attention. If we dont, they leap ahead and use more signs and more "obstacles" and Pain and grief to get our attention. For me i believe they are placed there BY me when i was designing my human experience--to hopefully remind me what i wanted to do here on this earth.
As i was listening to one song I find deeply touching to my spirit, I envisioned the energy entities around us all...wanting us to succeed, to be happy to experience the events and emotions we wanted. I realize how fragile it all is here when we are surrounded with narrow minded, bigoted,critical, mean spirited, self righteous people who believe they have ALL the answers when in reality they are the most lost!!
Look around. See the signs. See the path. Leave behind the dark and find your potential!!

oh....and if you have not seen the movie Ink..See it!! Hang in there as it does not give anything away to the plot!!!!!

Obstacles

2010-01-24T12:34:00.003-06:00

At a recent woman's group meeting the topic of obstacles in our life was discussed and how to deal with them. It seems we make resolutions to change but the ability to get pass the obstacles prevents us from truly following through. As I thought about the many obstacles over my life I came to a conclusion for me. My obstacles have always been signs that my life needs changing or situations need reassessing or friends need removing from my life. I can do 3 things when faced with obstacles--1- ignore it and turn my back--which of course does nothing to solve it but the obstacle gets bigger and bigger and I must create more denial tactics to not notice it. 2- I go around it and hope this means its not there anymore--same as #1 though as it gets bigger and I go around it more and more. The third is confront it==walk right into it and figure out what this obstacle is "saying" to me. What needs to change? What transformation is waiting for me once i deal with this obstacle? Why am i so reluctant to do this and wallow in the pain or sorrow I am in now?
Well change is always hard... as is dealing with obstacles because they often involve people in our life. Family even. To confront those in our life who create angst and drama and pain is the hardest thing we can do. Changing things in our life is never easy and sometimes we dont even know how we will change it but we just do. Toxic relationships are a big obstacle to our own growth and happiness. People who suck every bit of love and compassion and emotions from you need to be put outside personal space and dealt with as little as possible. Even love relationships with depression, betrayal, lack of communication, and jealousy will drag one down to the depths of sorrow and its hard to get back up until the obstacle is removed.
As obstacles come into my life--whether of my own making or others- I can stop seeing them as negative but see them as a life line being thrown to me by the Divine herself to help me grow and change. Rejecting the chance to change endangers my happiness and transformation.
Obstacles suck big lemons but offer joy and release when dealt with.

Women and religion

2010-01-14T12:52:00.000-06:00

Scared texts--Women and Religion

All of the major world religions deprecate women to some degree. This page archives texts which relate specifically to women and religion from a female perspective.
There is some great reading on this page!!

Christopher Walken...Awesome!

2010-01-11T18:39:00.003-06:00

I love this dance video so im re-posting!!

Ophelia--Natalie Merchant

2010-01-09T08:18:00.001-06:00

Be Good Tanyas--Great music!!

2010-01-09T08:05:00.001-06:00

Snow in Alabama?

2010-01-09T07:40:00.002-06:00

Yep...but not the blizzard we expected but that didnt stop folks from buying every single gallon of milk, loaf of bread, boxes of cheerios and of course the true staple--beer!
I suppose the thought is if we have those items we can survive any silly ole blizzard!!!(or any invasion actually)
I ventured out to buy bird feed as I noticed the poor shivering birds outside my door-- immediately upon putting food out, I believe there was super secret ninja bird call that called every bird in Decatur out to my house. I immediately thought of the Hitchcock movie The Birds and now was scared!!!! :)
But as a friend pointed out since i was obviously fattening them up at least in this blizzard I would have a source of food!!!

I kept my woodstove agoin' which is always nice on such days. Fighting for any space in front of it with the "Up the Butt Gang--the mastiffs! If they could get inside the fire to stay warm,, they would.

So a nice snow, a big pot of beef stew and biscuits and we are happy!!!
Now where is that buttered rum!!!!!??

2010

2010-01-03T17:30:00.003-06:00

So where will this new year take me? Where will you go with it? Rather than make resolutions, instead make affirmations and intentions that can be implemented slowly. What things do you want to see manifested in your life?

This is my new decade year...I will be 50. The 40s have been a true rollar coaster--lots of intense dips and heart stopping climbs that I thought would never end. I have endured things I thought I never would and came out more alive and more passionate about living life. I have met people that have helped me on this journey that however briefly they were in my life I am grateful.
They taught me a lot about myself and demanded I grow even when I did not want to.

In my 50s, I want to see the culmination of my efforts. I have things I want to do outside my own comfort zone of living. I want to travel and live and see things I have never seen. I want to meet people who can teach me more about myself and this life. I want to experience amazing events and have great stories to tell my grandchildren (should I ever have any!!)
I want stories that even if at 90 I forget my name, I can recount my adventures.

So onto the 50s...Bring on the glorious and put my feet on the path to adventure!!!

Very Cool song and dance at the end

2009-12-23T13:35:00.000-06:00

When its over.....

2009-12-19T13:07:00.002-06:00

When it’s over, I want to say:
All my life
I was a bride married to amazement.
I was the bridegroom, taking the world into my arms.
–Mary Oliver

Yule songs

2009-12-19T10:35:00.002-06:00

Tonight the Hunstsville Feminist Choir does its annual Solstice concert. They sing songs about Yule and Winter Solstice, Sun God and the Goddesses. Its purely secular and very well done. After hearing tons of insipid and silly Christmas songs, fights about who the season is all about, and judgments against those who observe the paganism inherent in the holiday rather than the religious, I love hearing these songs. They speak to me of what really December and its various celebrations are about--return of the sun, beginning of winter and enjoying life with others.
So if you are in the north AL area, come to the Flying Monkey around 4pm and you will be happy you did!!!!

So Happy Yule and A Warm Winter Solstice!!!

Equality and RIghts

2009-12-08T17:49:00.002-06:00

This is a great speech by a NY Senator on Equality and how that is what its all about!!! She is so Right on!!

Each of Us

2009-12-03T00:43:00.001-06:00

Each of us inevitable,
Each of us limitless --
Each of us with his or her
right upon the earth,
Each of us allow'd
the eternal purports
of the earth,
Each of us here
as divinely as any is here.

~ Walt Whitman ~

December is the Month for Birthdays!!!

2009-12-01T01:29:00.002-06:00

December was a busy month over the course of history. Many many gods had birthdates on Dec 25th and even virgin births!!
So during your merriment remember these Mythological Gods and light a candle or two for them
Chrishna of India, Mithra of Persia,Horus Of Egypt, Beddou of the Orients, Dionysus,Adonis, Sol, Elah-Gabal, and of course the "reason for the season" Jesus, and many others. March must have been a rockin month of merriment- celebration of Spring maybe?

You may have noted in the long list that all but one god is considered a myth. How does that reasoning work? Either ALL are mythological or ALL are real. Choosing one as real and the rest as myth is just too convenient and foundation of brain washing millions.

So remember MANY GODs are the reason for the season!!!!!!

An evening of Fun

2009-11-20T17:52:00.002-06:00

Sometimes a person needs just an evening of pure fun and energy. Nothing heavy to ponder or think about or figure out and nothing of any real meaning.

So tonight I go to see Momma Mia--the musical with Abba songs. My daughters have all went through the phase of listening incessantly to Abba and loved the movie...so we all go to the Broadway Play and just have fun. It is always nice to get some time to share something like this with the kids--of course the boys are home with video games and pizza!!

We all have our own paths

2009-11-17T20:45:00.002-06:00

Recently a friend did something that annoyed me. Hurt my feelings. As I mulled it over I realized that what was happening was this person was on their path. And sometimes that means me getting out of the way so they can continue. Often what we feel is a hurtful event was simply another person having to move ahead and follow their path. Our paths will often intersect with another's and briefly we meet someone and hear their story. Sometimes our paths run parallel and what fun that is to have a "partner in crime" and then sometimes they move away and that always seems sad. We see it as failure somewhere or betrayal or unkindness but really its just Time to move apart and go on.
It is hard for us to know when to let go--we hang onto relationships almost obsessively--wiling to do anything to keep this person in our life even when we know its not doing us an good or we make excuses for their behavior that is unkind with things like overworked, or having a bad day or just tired. If we would instead step back and let them go on--yes grieving is part of the process and sadness but ultimately it is better for us to let others go on their path so they will let us go on ours.

Ultimately what I think of as unkindness is really a freeing of my energy. It is a gift allowing me to sally forth and see where my path is going and be glad that others can also do that.

So..get out of someone's way... find your own way... and be thankful for the time together!!!

Life is a puzzle...

2009-11-15T21:37:00.002-06:00

is my thought.
As life is put together by us, we often have a piece or two we cant quite fit. Eventually if fits or we make it fit or set it aside because we all like a well defined puzzle.
I can remember a time in my life--maybe even a few times--where all the pieces seemed not to fit..i was looking at a puzzle of my life and nothing worked, nothing matched, no edges and no color came together. I can remember sitting and thinking WTF has happened to my life and why is nothing working?
Slowly though as I watched, the pieces began to make sense..over time my life has become a little more clearer. I still have pieces of it I am holding...but I know they will fit at some point.
I also have come to believe while it is normal and ok to have a few pieces not fitting in my life--- too many not fitting is a sign from the Universe that something aint right and I MUST pay attention.
Recently I had this experience again with a situation. I found myself holding one piece that didnt fit, then another, then another and before I knew it, I had several pieces that were not part of MY puzzle.....and I knew I could not ignore it any longer. I had to take action and DO something about this issue.
What is even more interesting is I was in the shower where I do most of my thinking (along with driving) and it came to me what I was doing...Denying my intuition about a situation and now i had an out of control puzzle!!!!!
I have learned not to ignore my intuition as it always tells me something I dont want to hear and later AFTER I have ignored it, I see where I was wrong and I vow NOT to ignore it again. But I do. And I regret it.

Confronting someone about how they treat me IS hard for me to do. I have spent a lifetime nurturing everyone but myself, accepting hurtful behavior to me in the name of love, and ignoring signs that someone is being dishonest with me as well as themselves.

So..... I am going to take these pieces of my life and as soon as I validate them and accept them as truth..they will fit into my life in such a way that I will understand what was happening.

Life is a puzzle... and I hold the pieces.

Life is what it is and nothing more.

2009-11-10T15:38:00.005-06:00

I hope all is good with you. I do miss you.....the well you.
It is a tough road and one you felt needed to be done by yourself without solid resources. I hope that was true.
It is your journey not mine so hang on tight and know there is an end.

An interesting movie

2009-11-08T15:59:00.002-06:00

So we watched The Answer Man. And it was good.
Often a movie can spark ideas, create communication and expand beliefs. A couple of quotes from the movie I found interesting
" something is what it is and it is not something else" We can deny something as it is but we know it is what it is. If and when we finally admit that we can then proceed to dealing with it in a mature way. (or not so mature as the case may be :)

The writer of this movies was describing a character that he created..this character has some issues but the writer said he did not want to make this character looking for the light but rather having the light and trying to hold on to it.
That was a thought provoking statements for me.
Looking for the light is something people do..light meaning beliefs, morals, god/goddess etc. I think we easily find those lights yet the hard part is hanging on to them. Friends, society, culture and our own waveringness can do so much to take that light away from us. Its hard making a stand then to have it judged or criticized or made to seem less than anothers stand.
Going through life and hanging on to our own light is hard and can be lonely and can be sometimes more than we can do.

One character asked whether we had free will or was it all destiny...the answer he gave was free will to move towards our destiny or away from our destiny..... I loved it!!!

Overall I loved the humor, the quirky characters and the spiritual message from all the different paths the characters were on. How we have our own answers--people come into our lives to help us along the way if we are awake enough to notice them. They are the messengers from Her the Divine. They dont have our answers but they do have guidance.

If we all looked at people around us as the messengers from Goddess and observed them-- how much better off would we each be? The person who is causing me the most angst or hurt is really sending me a powerful message and giving me some strong guidance.

I. Need. To. Pay. Attention.

So I recommend The Answer Man.

Rebuttal Of The Dalai Lama’s Denigration of Sex By Janie Rezner

2009-11-04T13:28:00.000-06:00

Rebuttal Of The Dalai Lama’s Denigration of Sex By Janie Rezner

So the point is?

2009-11-03T19:08:00.003-06:00

I know conservative Christians who approach every issue with "that person just needs to find God and a personal relationship with Jesus" as THE definitive answer. It bothers me and I am pondering why.
First..who can know what another person needs spiritually? Just because one needs it themselves does not mean another needs it. And to ASSUME one knows what another person needs IS arrogance on a grand scale. Adversity IS our own path--we have adversity because that is life and that is what changes us to what We are to be. Adding Jesus to the mix doesnt change THAT.
So first off maybe the person needs a hug, or maybe just a compassionate ear or a hot meal without sermonizing or sometimes just let them feel the sorrow as Part of life.
Then the question is What will having a personal relationship with Christ Actually Accomplish??? It wont take away the adversity..it wont take away sorrow or give them a hot meal and a hug. And those with JC dont have happier lives than those who dont have JC as a constant companion or have sadder harder lives. If a mom has a sick child and you say..Oh I will pray for you and then walk away when INSTEAD you could have brought her a meal, watched her other children while she got some sleep or even a shower and actually helped in a tangible way rather than pass it off as a spiritual issue.
So.... adversity is part of everyones life-- JCers and non JCers. Happiness and Joy is part of everyones life, as is sorrow and loss. JCers dont have more blessings or less cursings as neither do non JCers...
SOOO again i ask...whats the point?

So the arrogance of assuming one knows what another needs spiritually bothers me and the feeling that prayer is simply the best one can offer and that way one can avoid getting messily involved with anothers life..after all we DO have things to do!!!!!

Thats the things that bother me. Arrogance and No compassion that DOES something.

I believe when we do leave this life we will know the reasons for our adversity and our sorrows and we will Smile and say...Oh yeah now I see why this happened and I needed THAT experience to move into a newer understanding of compassion or understanding of my place in the human condition. Adversity IS that which teaches us LOVE.

Leave JC out of it..there is NO point to offering him as a panacea for lifes hardships--but chicken soup might be!!!!!

Day of the Dead celebration

2009-11-03T11:26:00.002-06:00

Was awesome as usual!! Every year a local art gallery does this very elaborate Day of the Dead celebration. Alters are set up all over the place, candles lit, skeletons are everywhere and good food and music. People set up their alters to their loved ones or even celebrities or events where many died.
I stopped in front of one that showed a girl of about 4 years old-- blonde and cute as a button and a very beautiful alter. Nothing about how she died or when--just a visual memory of her.
As i stood there a woman came up to me and said...this is my daughter. I said it is a beautiful alter and I know she feels it. I asked if she would like to share about her daughters death...she teared up and said she was 32 and committed suicide 7 years ago. By now of course I am tearing up and I hug her and just hold that sacred space for her to share with me her story. I was honored for her to tell me and I am glad i was there at that moment for her and for me.
Someone sharing a painful part of life is an honor we dont often stand still for..we are all in such a hurry that stopping and breathing and honoring someone else is not something we do often. She told me how healing making this alter had been and how grateful she was that she was able to do this. Healing is a long process no matter the circumstance. So often people tell us after a few weeks to just get over it already...and yet for those who have felt loss, it is just not that easy. Grief comes and goes, strikes at odd times when a memory comes in and still is a visceral feeling in the heart. Over time it is less and less but do we or should we even really "get over it"? Death or loss is hard but it is also what can shape us and mold us and help us have more compassion for those around us. How we get over it is our own personal path and none can tell us how to do it. None can know how long we will take to heal and process.
It is a journey of alone.

I am grateful to this women for her story and I know her daughter felt the love.

Crossroads of life

2009-11-01T19:32:00.002-06:00

I suppose if life stops giving me crossroads I will know its over. Hecate is the goddess of crossroads..standing there with her hounds reminding me there are choices to be made. And they are made with my thoughts or not--and there isnt always a right one but the one that is right for now. I believe all choices lead to the same place but the ride is different. How we choose the scenic road is often not even conscious. We think its the easier path or the one everyone thinks we should do, or the "right" one by our own beliefs. We are guilted into decisions or forced to accept others idea of what is best for us. People seem to think they know what everyone else needs on a spiritual level. Yet how can anyone know what is best for another? Adversity Is part of life and we all need it to change and grow and evolve into ourselves-- to say someone needs to find GOD or go to church or any other solution to skip the adversity is the height of arrogance. Just let someone alone..let them figure out the crossroads and which way is the way to go. Life is about the experience and the scenery it takes as we sally forth and those we meet and those who touch our hearts.

Last day of the year

2009-10-31T15:17:00.002-05:00

A fire. A ritual. A putting away of things no longer serving me.
I have some old Tibetan prayer flags that need to be burned with reverence and intention. I have a goddess flag that needs to also be ritually burned to make way for a new one.
Acknowledging things in my life that need to be done with, people or habits.
Communing with ancestors or family that have departed--opening up my heart to new intentions for the new year.

It is a time of reflection and looking back and accepting the things that have happened as part of who I am. These very events often painful and grievous have been what has shaped me into who I am now. But that doesnt mean I need to let them rule over me or control me-- A big sigh of thanks and letting them go is in order.

What are you doing for reflection and letting go? What are you intending for the New year and what you want to accomplish and see happen?

Happy Samhain!!! and a very Merry Bonfire and a very cleansing ritual tonight!!

Tomorrow we CELEBRATE!!!!!

Pantheism

2009-10-11T13:24:00.004-05:00

I claim to be a Pantheist- it is a cool sounding word as well as a empowering word for what I believe about God and who She is.
It means God/dess is all and All is She. It is all equivalent and equal and She is not separate from the earth or its creation or humans. We are the Divine and the Divine is us. Nature is the manifestation of the Divine as well as each of us.
There is no hell or heaven--there is only what Is and we as humans cannot begin to explain it or understand it or put little labels on it that condemn all others. To define God as in Christian terms is to believe we can label Him in human terms-- Christians make Him a petulant, angry, jealous, murdering, raping, child killing tyrant. SHe is Not that..She is Who She is.
I can see Love which is the embodiment of the Divine in everyone- I can surround myself with Love to others and respect and compassion no matter where they are in their own path. I can lovingly put up boundaries around me and my family to keep those who are stuck in their own negative energy away while at the same time sending out love to them. I dont need to condemn others to hell to feel closer to Her nor do I need everyone or anyone to agree with my own spiritual beliefs to know they are true and mine. I dont need for others to suffer in order for me to feel loved by the Divine. I dont want to be responsible for telling telling others how they should live, what they should believe and where they are wrong in order to feel more spiritual than them thus close to the pearly gates.
I only need to Walk in the Knowledge I have and Appreciate the differences others have and Live in Love and Compassion always.

She doesnt demand I do anyything about anyone else. She does show me the way daily that i must walk to be Who I am meant to be. That isnt always easy. I find myself overwhelmed with grief or sorrow at the actions of others, I find myself sad at the responses of myself at times , I hurt from those who would use my own beliefs against me and condemn me to hell because i "reject" their messiah.
I also rejoice in my own feelings of lightness as I pursue this path. I have joy that cannot be diminished by others and I hope that I can make a difference in everyone's life that crosses my path.

Did i mention that October is the end of the Celtic year and a time to get rid of a toxic habits, grudges, sorrow and feelings that no longer serve me. It is a dark month for inwardly cleansing and outwardly reliving.

Have a Good Samhain!!!!!

Living our authentic selves

2009-10-10T00:08:00.001-05:00

Life IS struggle and change and sorrow and joy. It is what makes our human experience here. The real question is what are we doing with it? This is a great article-- so if you like the excerpt I give, go read the rest~~~

When we connect with our authentic selves we learn about our courage and grace as much as our suffering and betrayals. When we only remember the misery and the pain, we remain locked in yesterday. But the reason we feel upset by dwelling on old suffering is not what we think. By refusing to find the meaning of our negative experiences, we think we are protecting ourselves from discovering how we have fallen short in the past. But the reality is that by finding the courage to look squarely at our old pains and sorrows, we see the ways we truly are authentic, thus liberating ourselves from past suffering. As we learn to detach from the criticisms of others and become our own loving parents and mentors, we are able to see that "The Source" sees our value and helps us to make our own unique contributions to life, making the most of opportunities we might otherwise have missed.

so comes love

2009-09-30T01:09:00.001-05:00

let it go - the
smashed word broken
open vow or
the oath cracked length
wise - let it go it
was sworn to
go

let them go - the
truthful liars and
the false fair friends
and the boths and
neithers - you must let them go they
were born
to go

let all go - the
big small middling
tall bigger really
the biggest and all
things - let all go
dear

so comes love

~ e. e. cummings ~

Rainy day for hiking

2009-09-26T09:40:00.002-05:00

So of course today we had planned to hike in TN. And of course it rains..not just a drizzle but a good downpour.
The question is do we go and have fun anyway...cancel and do something different?

Ack..my fate may be intertwined with what I choose to do.

Life is like this...choosing the path one takes based on external conditions. Then wondering what if.............

I think we shall go anyway...see what the Universe has in store for us.
It could be amazing but no doubt right.

Cunt...revisited

2009-09-20T15:13:00.003-05:00

In school I am doing a course on Sexuality of Women. We get to write a glossary of a slang word and a medically accurate word and since yall know i love the powerful word Cunt, i wanted to post my definition..
Enjoy!!

""Cunt is not actually a slang word as it was used interchangeably with the word woman for centuries in many cultures including Eastern and African languages as well as Egyptian and Medieval time frame.

It is derived from the word Kunta which means female genitalia in Sumeria. Another derivative of kunta is quna which is the basis for the word queen. Any words that start with kw or qu or k are from the word Kunta.

Kunta reflects feminine energy and is apparent in the names of Goddess’s including Cunti or Kunda. Cunina is a Roman goddess which protects children in their cradle. Cunda is the name of the mother of Buddha. Cunti-Devi, Goddess of kundalini energy from India; Kun, Goddess of Mercy, India; Quani, Korean goddess; Qudshu, female priestess of ancient Canaan & Phoenicia; Quadesha, Sumerian word for a type of priestess. Qu' can also mean love, sensuality, sexuality, the divinity present in all females.

We also get our word cuneiform from the word kunta.(Bertonis) asserts that priestess’s were in charge of the record keeping in the temples and they invented cuneiform as their writing. Literally the word cuniform means “the sign of the cunta” or “queen who invented writing”
Our word Kundalini which means female energy is derived from Kunta as well as words such as cunctipotent-meaning all powerful. Cuniculate means penetrated by passage; Cundy means a culvert and cunning is keen knowledge or wisdom.
We also get out word kin from kunta which means the matrilineal line and also means cleft or crevice.

From the book Cunt comes the modern assertion that as women we should take back the rightful meaning of the word cunt and not allow it to be used against us anymore as a derogatory slang word."""

A rainy day meandering ramble

2009-09-19T20:01:00.006-05:00

September.

The best thing about September is that its the month before October.
And October is my most favorite month. I LOVE how October feels and smells and looks. I love putting my socks on again with a sweater and walking outside in the evening and feeling cool. I like seeing leaves come down in a storm and whirl around like a mad dervish dance. I cant wait for the first fire in the fireplace and the smells of it wafting through the house. Pulling up a chair to the fire with a book, a cup of hot tea and just chillin by the fire. I love watching my mastiffs fight for space next to it so they can warm themselves so soon I have a blanket of dogs laying around me and the chair.

October is the last month of the year in Celtic year. It is the close of harvesting and "puttin by" stuff and getting ready for winter. October 31st is Samhain-- a day when the veil between this world and the spirit world is thinnest. Doing a ritual on that night is intuitive and spiritual and very much in touch with those things we dont see.
For me its time to get ready for the new year in November. Winter is a time to lay low, hibernate as much as possible and put things away I no longer want or need. To hunker down at the house and watch as things begin to die and brown and even nature itself shuts down to rebirth. For me shutting down and taking in stock what is going on around me, what do i want to give up and what no longer benefits me or serves me well. What seeds can I plant now that will show up in the spring?

I am going to enjoy every moment in October. Lighting a candle nightly on my outside alter as well as my ancestor alter to honor those who have gone ahead. I am going to honor those women who died as witches to a cruel patriarchal religion that dishonored many by their mean spirited beliefs. I am going to honor those men who stood by their women and may have died with them also.

I am going to honor Love. Those people in my life who love me and respect me AS i am...I will honor that.

See? i told you it was another goings on........

Skeleton Woman

2009-09-15T02:40:00.008-05:00

Read the Skeleton Woman Story...It is profound and so relevant to each of us in relationships.

...To love another is not enough, to be "not an impediment" in the life of the other is not enough. It is not enough to be "supportive" and "there for them" and all the rest. The goal is to be knowledgeable about the ways of life and death, in one's own life and in panorama. And the only way to be a knowing man is to go to school in the bones of Skeleton Woman. She is waiting for the signal of deep feeling, the one tear that says, "I admit the wound."

I sometimes am overwhelmed with sadness when I hear stories of failed love, broken hearts, distant emotions and pain and sorrow suffered from lost dreams of love. I am quick to wonder if someone did not stay committed or focused on their relationship and wonder if they had worked a bit harder, if it would have worked. But then I also believe relationships do serve their purpose--however long or short-- and when its time to move on...we must or die inside.
Can we take a deep breath and leave with dignity? with honor and with love for the other person? Can we learn from this grief so we can take these lessons to another relationship and not so much as DO better but CHOOSE better to begin with? Choosing a partner that complements us rather than completes us? As long as we feel we need to be completed, can we really choose wisely?
In the skeleton woman the lesson is understanding the life/death/life cycle of any relationship. That often to just Stop and wait during a lull of love can return us to the original feelings of desire. We all change as we go through life and the true test of maturity is can we weather changes in ourselves as well as our partner. Can we recognize when it IS a change and stand firm through the storm and when it is time to leave gracefully.

I remember during my pre divorce when I so badly wanted to make things right, I did everything I could think of. The problem was I did not know what I was fighting for. I didnt know the real enemy because of course I thought it was me. I was the problem-- I thought if i changed, then all would be well again. It is not until 5 years later that i see it wasnt even about me but about the demons others carry. I was fighting with blinders on and at some point it was time to leave gracefully.
Relationships are hard on the best of conditions, so looking at another person in life and standing with them through it all takes 2 people. Picking up the slack, encouraging and supporting and Believing in each other TO the end is paramount and vital to survival.

I know this is all a rambling process but truly i have a point.

Coming to a point in life where we know relationships of any kind can be as fleeting as a breath or as long standing as the sun but ALL fulfill something in us to the degree destined. Allow each relationship to happen, figure out the ones to let go and fight hard for the others.

And its 3 am in the morning and I just felt like a good ramble.

Postnote: Gender is exchangeable in the story..its not about men and women per se...its about that part of us which is in each of us. In a relationship whether male/female, female/female, male/male-each person must be willing to be skeleton woman and fisherman in order to attain understanding. We both carry male/female perspectives--getting in touch with them and acknowledging them is the point.

Womens Space...

2009-09-13T19:15:00.000-05:00

Hey cheryl, if you read this email me.. i cant get onto your site and i dont have your email...

The Heretics And The Wonderful History Of Heresies

2009-09-13T19:14:00.001-05:00

The Heretics And The Wonderful History Of Heresies

Just the clip is awesome-- a story of passionate women wanting to make change for other women as well as find their own direction and purpose. Dedicating oneself to something this big and often misunderstood is worth thought from all of us.

We have not come to take prisoners

2009-09-11T13:41:00.003-05:00

WE HAVE NOT COME TO TAKE PRISONERS

We have not come here to take prisoners,
But to surrender ever more deeply
To freedom and joy.

We have not come into this exquisite world
To hold ourselves hostage from love.

Run my dear,
From anything
That may not strengthen
Your precious budding wings.

Run like hell my dear,
From anyone likely
To put a sharp knife
Into the sacred, tender vision
Of your beautiful heart.

We have a duty to befriend
Those aspects of obedience
That stand outside of our house
And shout to our reason
"O please, O please,
Come out and play."

For we have not come here to take prisoners
Or to confine our wondrous spirits,

But to experience ever and ever more deeply
Our divine courage, freedom and
Light!

~ Hafiz ~

An unusual Gift from the Universe

2009-09-04T19:39:00.002-05:00

so i left the house around 1pm to go run a few errands and to get some items for this really liscious corn/black bean salad. I decided to stop quickly at the thrift store for a restocking of cups and bowls that seem to magically disappear here. As i was opening my car door to leave the thrift store, a gentlemen stops me and comments about my bumper stickers. The COEXIST done in all religious symbols and the Unrepentant Hippie. We started talking about religious, political and even personal experiences of life. We stood there for like 20 mins and then decided to go to Starbucks and have a coffee and talk more.
What a life he has had... around 65 and very involved with the de-segregation of Alabama during the 60s, part of federal programs then and a long history with political activism. An atheist, liberal, hippie and all around nice guy--we sat for 3 more hours just telling stories and reminiscing about the 60s and 70s and life in general. I was excited to meet someone who wasnt a religious nut in this town and just listened mostly.
As we left he apologized for keeping me so long...i said...noway apologize--This was a nice afternoon gift from the universe and I enjoyed every minute of it!! I hope I can meet your wife and kids and friends cause I need more conversation with people who actually think about their lives and their choices!!! AND he knew of a local place to do pottery as he is a sculptor and his wife an artist.... neat people!!!
I got home and made a corn/black bean/coucous salad with lots of cilantro, peppers and artichokes..YUM!! an end to a great day!!

Thanks Universe!!!!

The Great Work

2009-09-04T00:34:00.000-05:00

THE GREAT WORK

Love
Is the great work
Though every heart is first an
Apprentice

That slaves beneath the city of Light.

This wondrous trade,
This magnificent throne your soul
Is destined for-

You should not have to think
Much about it,

Is it not clear
An apprentice needs a teacher
Who himself

Has charmed the universe
To reveal its wonders inside his cup.

Happiness is the great work,
Though every heart must first become
A student

To one
Who really knows
About Love.

~ Hafiz ~

Again...Tracy..

2009-09-03T16:03:00.001-05:00

Song of the Builders

2009-09-03T01:27:00.001-05:00

Song of the Builders

On a summer morning
I sat down
on a hillside
to think about God -

a worthy pastime.
Near me, I saw
a single cricket;
it was moving the grains of the hillside

this way and that way.
How great was its energy,
how humble its effort.
Let us hope

it will always be like this,
each of us going on
in our inexplicable ways
building the universe.

~ Mary Oliver ~

Julie and Julia

2009-08-30T18:06:00.004-05:00

I took the 2 girls to see this movie. Anything with Meryl Streep in it is good for me :)
I love cooking so that was a plus, loved seeing parts of Paris I had been to years ago and loved seeing a really good movie.

I have read some of the reviews on it and my most fav review hit it right on as to why I loved this movie. Seeing Julia Childs husband so loving and tender and so IN love with her was awesome. Seeing older people so obviously in love and enjoying every moment that comes their way brought tears to my eyes.
THATS what I want...a love that surpasses expectations and baggage and just Loves every day. Enjoys the delights of food, companionship, intimacy and daily life even when moving around. Mutual admiration is vital to an equal and vibrant life together.

Great movie and worth seeing!!

Happy Birthday

2009-08-30T14:34:00.003-05:00

So this is to wish someone I love a happy birthday. I hope all your dreams and hopes come true and you live an authentic and passionate life. I hope the Goddess blesses you with all manner of choices and paths that you can take to walk as true to yourself as possible.
I know you will do well cause you are of me..a child of my womb..how could you do less? Dont listen to the voices around you that are negative or ego driven or manipulative but instead be courageous and LIVE your life as you want to.
I want laughter for you and passion and purpose and friends who see you as who you are.

Happy birthday and may the Universe Cackle with Joy as you go about living.

Courage again..

2009-08-30T13:18:00.002-05:00

Recently I was conversing with a friend. We have known each other over a year and he lives in Texas several hundred miles away from his kids which he sees rarely. As we were talking last night he mentioned he was moving back close to his kids and i said Good!! your kids need you!! He said " A few months ago you said something to me that made me so mad at you that i hung up on you." I asked what was that since i have a habit of saying things that people dont like... he said when i first moved so far from my kid(due to a bad divorce) you said...Be a man about this and STAY near your kids. Your kids are vital and even if the divorce is hard and cruel your kids need YOU their dad" He then said i knew it was the truth and i got mad at you because it WAS the truth and i did not want to hear it.
Then he said NOONE else he knows has told him that. They have all said not to move back there, or that their kids will be allright rarely seeing him and just stay where he is. He finds this interesting especially amongst his christian family and friends because noone has told him his kids need him a lot!! The only person who has told him this is a pagan friend--me.
I told him he needed to be with his kids cause i believe kids need their dad and mom. I told him the truth because I dont think lying or avoiding the truth is a authentic way to live. And I am glad I did because now he realizes what he needs to do cause someone spoke the truth even when it was not received well.
Part of courage IS saying what is the truth and doing what is right. Even when people get mad at me or lash out at me or hang up on me, I must say it. And i must say it with love and compassion and say it once. I dont need to harp on the truth or remind someone constantly of what i believe. I say it once and let the person figure it out. The words are there within their conscience and will be there when they are finally able to use it.

And the other question is why noone else said this. Are we so anti child we cant even suggest a dad needs to be near his kids???? I find that sad and hypocritical that Christians who claim to be SO family oriented would not even see that as vital to the well being of children!!!!

Pinwheels for Peace.

2009-08-29T12:36:00.002-05:00

Great site...Pinwheels for Peace

Let's make a LOUD statement!!

Courage

2009-08-29T11:58:00.004-05:00

Courage is an interesting word. Brave is another. These words are used a lot to describe another persons actions or choices. What i have found it that it also places a person on a pedestal far removed from mortals. Then they become bigger than life and when they show human foibles, shot down in a heartbeat.
Posted on another site was this amazingly accurate piece about courage... along with a short poem a commenter gave which i SO resonate with:

The Chrystos Poem:
“If you ever
again tell me
how strong I am
I’ll lay down on the ground and moan so you’ll see
at last my human weakness like your own”

( This poem is for all those people who lessened my value as a person by saying How BRAVE I am for just living my life)

The blog: Laurelin in the Rain

and a small excerpt:
Being known as a strong or courageous person (are those words synonyms? They are in my head, I think) can be very difficult- it can mean (although does not always mean) that people expect you to be strong, and that you execrate yourself when you do not reach the overly-high expectations you (or others) have of yourself.

No-one should have to be strong/ courageous all the time.

But then again, courage doesn’t mean what people often think it means.

Courage is that strand of steel that holds you together. It is the inner voice that sees truth when others around you insist you are a liar. It is the refusal to compromise integrity, the demand to be considered as a human being, the acceptance of fear rather than the denial of it.

Unafraid people cannot be courageous. There is no courage without fear.

Courage is not aggression. It is not the condition of speaking deliberately to hurt, of trying to damage another human being. It may well involve speaking and knowing that what you are saying may hurt another’s feelings, but if that is the only aim of your speech, your speech does not come from courage. Sometimes the conscience will say You must speak. It will hurt some others, but it will be more damaging if you do not speak now. You must speak................

Rock On and A High Five for a great post!!!

PS and another link to read about courage

Watched Benjamin Button

2009-08-26T21:35:00.002-05:00

Finally watched this movie... and I of course think Cate is hot--brad is ok i guess-- but what i caught most from the movies that i loved is the concept of =Living Your Life and if you dont like it CHANGE it..Start Now and make it different. Dont waste a moment feeling sorry for yourself or being the victim or whining about circumstance.
Living in the past-regretting choices made=bemoaning consequences of choices IS all a waste of Time. To not motivate oneself to MAKE a difference starting NOW is sad to me.
I know people who simply WONT change..it requires energy and movement and hard choices and they dont want to do it. Its comfy in the place of sadness. Its not challenging in the place of stagnation and its easy to stay in the place of frozen fear of change. Hanging around others in this state of existence keeps them feeling safe and secure and if they have people around them in a even worse state of victimness..then they feel good and at least less sadness.

This movie makes a point of stating..Live your life. Change it if its not working. Dont regret the past.

Introductions

2009-08-24T01:22:00.000-05:00

Introductions

Some of what we love
we stumble upon ˜
a purse of gold thrown on the road,
a poem, a friend, a great song.

And more
discloses itself to us ˜
a well among green hazels,
a nut thicket ˜
when we are worn out searching
for something quite different.

And more
comes to us, carried
as carefully
as a bright cup of water,
as new bread.

~ Moya Cannon ~

Chillin Sunday

2009-08-23T20:57:00.003-05:00

Today was a cool day. Cool having various meanings.
Cool as in the weather was nice and cool and not humid! It was lovely to sit out and eat dinner by the pond.
Cool as in I made grilled out hamburgers with strawberry/blackberry fruit salad with real whipped cream :) YUM!!!
Cool as in nothing to do today except take 2 final tests and then im done with this course and do not have to get back into school work for 3 weeks!!!!
Cool as in I almost got the light fixed in my bathroom but as in ALL old houses there seemed to be surprises that make any fixing up to be adventuresome!!! So thats on hold til the next weekend.
Cool as in it was a great day!!

I love when a day is just fluid and flows as comfortably as an old sweater put on that you just wrap up in and feel content.

Life sometimes gives that day to me and I smile.....and take a deep breath and ENJOY!!!

Great little video

2009-08-19T16:43:00.001-05:00

Raising Small Souls....
Truly inspiring and awesome

Some good movies to see and think....

2009-08-19T11:01:00.001-05:00

and

and

susan enan

2009-08-10T18:34:00.000-05:00

Having come this far...a repeat

2009-08-09T13:44:00.001-05:00

Having Come This Far

I've been through what my through was to be
I did what I could and couldn't
I was never sure how I would get there

I nourished an ardor for thresholds
for stepping stones and for ladders
I discovered detour and ditch

I swam in the high tides of greed
I built sandcastles to house my dreams
I survived the sunburns of love

No longer do I hunt for targets
I've climbed all the summits I need to
and I've eaten my share of lotus

Now I give praise and thanks
for what could not be avoided
and for every foolhardy choice

I cherish my wounds and their cures
and the sweet enervations of bliss
My book is an open life

I wave goodbye to the absolutes
and send my regards to infinity
I'd rather be blithe than correct

Until something transcendent turns up
I splash in my poetry puddle
and try to keep God amused.

~ James Broughton ~

Love does that

2009-08-09T13:41:00.002-05:00

LOVE DOES THAT

All day long a little burro labors, sometimes
with heavy loads on her back and sometimes just with worries
about things that bother only
burros.

And worries, as we know, can be more exhausting
than physical labor.

Once in a while a kind monk comes
to her stable and brings
a pear, but more
than that,

he looks into the burro's eyes and touches her ears

and for a few seconds the burro is free
and even seems to laugh,

because love does
that.

Love Frees.

~ Meister Eckhart ~

Life

2009-08-08T15:22:00.002-05:00

I am learning more and more to let life unfurl around me and watch what happens. Now my nature is still to plan my goals and what things i want to accomplish but I also know plans change on a whim at times...in a blink and for the most part for the better.
I want to have a balance of planning and flexible when it changes course. I have found I will plan for X goal..and yet the goal turns into Y and the skills/learning/knowledge i acquired for goal X was even more vital for goal Y and i didnt even know goal Y existed.
Once i step out of others dramas, find my authentic self, learn to say No to others and enjoy love when its there..i am where i am suppose to be.
Others need their dramas and staying out of it keeps my energy from being zapped and dark..observing from a safe distance is best :)
Knowing how i want to live my life and then stepping out often with unusual ideas or beliefs is being true to my authentic self. I have ideas about what i want, who i am, who i will love and who i will walk away from and it has nothing to do with THEM but to do with ME.
Saying no is tough..i have always been the nurturer..but i am practicing and becoming more comfortable with it.
And knowing when love is knocking on my door and just allowing it to be what it is and how long it will be is healing and empowering for me. People come into my life for brief times and for longer periods..but ALL are for my experiences. I accept them all and honor all the love that has come into my life.

boundaries..good or bad?

2009-08-07T01:15:00.004-05:00

The older i get the less I allow in my life that does not benefit me or mean me good. I know this can sound selfish and on many levels it is but it is also a way of keeping myself from drama of others. In my younger years, I would allow people to say or do unkind things to me and i would just brush it off as MY fault..i would accept blame for their actions. I would not want to hurt their feelings by calling them out nor could I walk away. Often i put myself in the fixer of all hurts mode and feel compelled to help a person with their issues.
Now i see that as my ego wanting to be hero and martyr and angel to everyone EXCEPT for me. I would allow my own feelings and emotions to be secondary in importance to others. But then i realized a few things... one is that it made me feel sad and used a lot... two it caused others to blame me when I couldnt fix them and thirdly I got tired of always being the one to expected to fix things...

So now i need and use boundaries..not to judge others behaviors or to make myself out to be better..but to protect myself and to allow others to just be who they are. i dont know what path others are on..it may very well be this life is a self destructive path for them and who am I to fix that?? Why cant i just step back and live my own life and not interfere with others? Which is why i have to say i cant be a part of some behaviors that i dont agree with or want in my life.
Some will say I am being judgmental..but is it judgmental to stay clear of others drama? is is wrong to not feel responsible for others choices in life? Can i set up a boundary without saying someone's behaviors are right or wrong but just are theirs??

I am saddened when i have to step away from someone i like or even love because the hurt and the negativity is more than I need in my life. My path is the only path i can walk..and i dont often know where that is even going so to nudge others onto a path that may not be theres, smacks of egotism and self centeredness. I want only to live my life and others live theirs..and if i find a companion that fits well with me, then so be it.

strength

2009-08-06T19:43:00.000-05:00

"You gain strength, courage, and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face... The danger lies in refusing to face the fear, in not daring to come to grips with it... You must make yourself succeed every time. You must do the thing you think you cannot do." - Eleanor Roosevelt

Change is never a Waste of time

2009-08-05T12:27:00.000-05:00

"(Change Is) Never A Waste Of Time"

I know there's a reason you're forcing a smile
You hide what you're feeling and you have for a while
I can tell that you're falling
And you feel that you can't go on
But a new day is calling
And you'll see that the feeling is gone

You know you're not the only one
Who has a lot to overcome
And when the time has come then you move on
'Cause you've been crying for too long
Sometimes life is so unkind
But change is never a waste of time

I know how you're feeling, I've been there before
The hurting is something much to strong to ignore
Don't be waiting for someone
Who can take all your fear away
When there's no one to listen
That is when you should not be afraid

You know you're not the only one
Who has a lot to overcome
And when the time has come then you move on
'Cause you've been crying for too long
Sometimes life is so unkind
But change is never a waste of time

But change is never a waste... it's never a waste of time

I am Yours

2009-08-02T19:47:00.001-05:00

For You

2009-08-02T19:43:00.001-05:00

Matters of the heart

2009-08-02T19:41:00.001-05:00

All the true Vows

2009-08-02T10:47:00.001-05:00

ALL THE TRUE VOWS

All the true vows
are secret vows
the ones we speak out loud
are the ones we break.

There is only one life
you can call your own
and a thousand others
you can call by any name you want.

Hold to the truth you make
every day with your own body,
don't turn your face away.

Hold to your own truth
at the center of the image
you were born with.

Those who do not understand
their destiny will never understand
the friends they have made
nor the work they have chosen

nor the one life that waits
beyond all the others.

By the lake in the wood
in the shadows
you can
whisper that truth
to the quiet reflection
you see in the water.

Whatever you hear from
the water, remember,

it wants to carry
the sound of its truth on your lips.

Remember,
in this place
no one can hear you

and out of the silence
you can make a promise
it will kill you to break,

that way you‚ll find
what is real and what is not.

I know what I am saying.
Time almost forsook me
and I looked again.

Seeing my reflection
I broke a promise
and spoke
for the first time
after all these years

in my own voice,

before it was too late
to turn my face again.

~ David Whyte ~